Nothing Is Ever Easy

2008-08-31T20:27:00.002+08:00

I sort of messed up recently. I may have said something that did not come across the way I intended it to. I am once again feeling at a loss. I stand alone in a sea of people. So many who don't understand me, and misjudge me for it. It isn't fair. I told myself that I would come back to change impressions of me, this has been the first stumble, and I don't know if they're going to allow me to claw my way back to my feet. I am ever so grateful to Shaun for coming up to me about it. I need to have people who are able to speak openly about it to me. Not people who are afraid of offending me and so avoid approaching me. These people do more harm than anything else, people who don't dare to bring up the subject for fear of uncomfortable situations make it worse because it festers in silence. I begin to think that the solution to this is to bring to them what they seem to want to avoid. Open confrontation would not be the accurate word, I'm not cocking my weapons and bursting through a closed door with an aim to blast the first person in sight to kingdom come. I want feedback, I just need a chance god damn it. Levin did not help my situation one bit, telling them that I'd gone there and then come back unchanged. I want to believe that I've changed, I had thought that I was displaying some changes... what worries me is that i was wrong. Fuck...I'm one confused person. Unsettled. It affects my mental equilibrium, prevents me taking the stress in my stride. Yeah, it is like what Janice mentioned in the email. I too want to be around people who don't judge me on face value.
On a different note...my sister is insane if she thinks she has no social life...stupid idiot.

2008-07-05T00:27:00.003+08:00

Life is infinitely harsh no matter where you find yourself. I received agonizing reminder of that in the past two weeks. As usual...no details can be mentioned, military security and all. Let us just say that it isn't often that a lack of remorse holds more weightage than honest sincerety and leave it at that. I did not have any idea how tightly wound the two weeks have made me till a few minutes ago. It's amazing that at this age I still possess the ability to break down in tears. Needless to say I at least have the strength to control some of my emotions, preventing such an embarrassing spectacle from occuring in public. In spite of that, it came about really quite suddenly all things considered. I just dumped myself on my bed belly first, dug my face in the mess of my blanket and cried shamelessly like a child. It made me feel so much better. I know grown men don't normally do this, but people shouldn't be scorned for doing it anyway because it's good, and it was the safest and most unembarrassing means for me to indulge in a bit of harmless tension relief. After a while, i realised that i was just feeling sorry myself. it began to dawn on me that i probably appeared quite pathetic, even if there wasn't a soul present to witness it. Here was the timely return of shame to my awareness. It's not easy being me, it isn't easy being anyone for that matter. Life makes a person hard, the same way skin becomes calloused after repeated damage through contact with abrasive surfaces. I had wondered whether life had turned me ice cold on the inside as i so often appear externally. Today was a reminder that a part of me remains soft as it was during a time when life seemed so much more carefree. A poignant reminder to myself that for all the steel that i display in everyday life, i really am still as vulnerable as the next guy/girl on the inside, and that vulnerability remains protected and unspoilt because no matter what misfortune the powers that be throws at me, life goes on eventually. I'm glad i'm still able to cry.

2008-06-07T15:02:00.002+08:00

There's nothing to write about these days, although there really is a lot to mention about what happens in camp. i'm just not allowed to write about the things that occur here. It is very hard to determine what would get you into trouble and what would not get you into trouble, so to stay on the safe side, i simply avoid saying anything related to military life. Which unfortunately limits me to absolutely nothing, because my non-military life is limited to one and a half days spent at home each week. Even the few times when i actually meet some friends to do social stuff, i completely avoid talking about military stuff because i don't want to become your typical Singaporean guy. I try to avoid the, "there they go again, talking about army...it's so boring and it's all they ever talk about" scenario. Yet my life, as kenneth has said, completely revolves around SAFTI, whether i like it or not. So i'm not much use when it comes to making conversation with people. It has put a huge ass dent in my social life, which has by now become non-existant, with the exception of a few faint embers glowing every now and then in a fire that is pretty darn close to being completely dead. All that piled on top of my already being chronically disposed to morosity should naturally lead to depression one would think. Strangely, i think i have grown in the past few years. I hope i'm handling things better than i used to. I more or less know what my flaws are and these take time to address, but at least i don't take a "i want everyone to burn in the fires of hell" attitude any longer.

2008-06-05T20:53:00.002+08:00

A void widens itself and gradually consumes from within with each passing day. Everything appearing so distant, memories as elusive as the foggiest of dreams. Where has everybody gone?
I look forward to every weekend eagerly, counting down the days, yet when it finally comes, i struggle to find meaningful activities to occupy my time.
Each time i try to describe how i feel, it feels like i am running myself into a brick wall. I'm getting nowhere, and it's been this was for months. I've lost my mojo.
Unsettled and perplexed.

2008-04-20T22:22:00.002+08:00

My current occupation prevents me from writing about anything that happens to me on a daily basis. Everything is a damned threat to security, so it's easier to avoid the risk by not making any entries at all, but it has been such a long while since i've come here and i just felt like blabbering. It's a new environment, new faces and a new system, most of it i am still coming to terms with. I hope that sentence was not a breach of security. The SYF consumed half my weekend. Seems like once again, i have allowed band to consume what meager free time i have. The circumstances are such that i am unable to find a new past time as substitute. It's interesting to observe the effect women have on this male dominated work place. They are without a doubt intelligent and outspoken, if not they would not have taken this challenging career path. It must be difficult to be in their shoes though, living with so many men must be quite daunting. I am supposed to return Home able to leap as far as 243cm...failure to do so would have dire circumstances. High expectations for me, although i honestly feel very little pride in being here. Maybe i'm just so jaded with things around me that, little can be found to impress me right now. I don't think i'm particularly special for having made it into this premier institute, even if they keep trying to drive home the fact that we are the best our batch has to offer. I had to leave home early to return to camp. They were having a dinner party at home which was pot luck. I didn't know we were hosting a party till this afternoon. The occasion was my mom's farewell party because she's leaving her company this month. the nature of her job is such that most of her colleagues are foreigners, so today i sat at a table with people from france, colombia, holland, and zimbabwe...It was like the UN...and the world gourmet summit as well. That has to be the most wonderful thing about having friends from around the world, the cultural exchanges are bound to be enriching. If you wanted to go to their native land, you'd be able to find a place to crash or sound advice on where to crash. Both my parents have European friends and it's frankly a really cool thing. Tonight, I had for the first time...caviar!! And i gorged myself on magnificent cheesecake and quiche made by a french lady - i think that fact alone makes it more authentic -

2008-03-22T19:56:00.002+08:00

Every time I'm about to begin an entry, my mind draws a complete blank. I just sit still with a glazed look, hands on the keyboard while i try to figure out what i want to say. Today is no different..and i must struggle to simply continue with this sentence. I managed to claw my way into OCS. I've come a long way, i think i deserve this opportunity. Not everyone is bound to agree of course, that's always been the case with me everywhere I've been. What with my ippt still at a diver's silver standard, and certain "ground discrepancies" which suddenly emerged in the past week. I don't know what ground discrepancies had emerged to hamper my chances but, i felt as if the probability of my going to OCS was quite low at that point had reached an all time low. That said, the final outcome has been in my favour. So i look forward to a new start, the ball game has moved to an entirely different pitch. .The two weeks leading up to this point were very taxing emotionally. My morale at an all time low, i resorted to praying on a regular basis simply because i felt like there was nobody to turn to. My social life is in a rather shambolic state, i've pretty much kept to myself like a recluse in recent times. Shahid brought up the topic of how i'm going to cope with the graduation dinner for OCS...i'm not gonna be able to find a date at the rate i'm progressing. Then there is the diver's graduation dinner as well. I need a bloody date for that too. At the age of 21 and im still pretty much the way i was 4 years ago...a worrying trend. Look at the way i'm going in this entry, everything is all over the place, a clear lack of structured thought. I'm giving up..i don't know how to go on with this bloody post.

2008-02-17T19:37:00.002+08:00

I'm a boring person...uptight and with the capacity to downplay just about anything

2008-01-29T16:16:00.000+08:00

I actually have a shot at going to OCS after Dive phase is over...and its all kind of dependent on what happens on Thursday. At one point i was very enthusiastic at pushing it all the way, to see where i might end up if i showed a positive attitude towards everything. Now that i have to go back to camp during a block leave, i'm starting to feel regret creeping up behind me in little bits. What happens on Thursday...i don't really know in detail, but the gist of it is this, i'm gonna be interviewed by the commanding officer of NDU and a few other warrant officers. This interview will determine my chance of attending officer cadet school. hmm..i could finish my NS a bloody lieutenant. Let it be said that i definitely want to be an officer for many reasons. The strangest of which is because my sister has been to an OCS passing out parade or whatever they call those things, and i haven't. So i intend to go one up by being in the damned parade itself. Ok...lame i know, but it's the most trivial of the many reasons i want to go, so i decided to give it some mention. My competition isn't easy to fend off...but there's a chance for 3 of the top 5 to go...soo....i get a good whack at it...60percent chance? I'll take what i get. What a waste of my leave...not that i've actually spent it productively thus far... The emotions i'm experiencing are quite conflicted...disappointment at having to return to camp during leave...at 730 am.....and excitement at the prospect of challenging them for a spot in OCS..

2008-01-20T01:35:00.000+08:00

Hell week has ended, and i am of course not drastically changed at all as a person. Certainly the experience was enough to affect the state of some of my perceptions, but i cannot as yet put my finger to them accurately. From here i move on to the most important phase of my course. The dive phase...ultimately the longest and the one phase that determines whether i make it out as a diver or not because at the end of the next 13 or so weeks, i shall receive my dive badge. A mighty achievement, but for now i shall just dwell upon hell week. No mean feat surviving hell week. The cold treatment, the terrifying chow runs, soaked feet covered in blisters and many other testing activities. Nearly all activities played dual roles in testing one's mental and physical strength. The whistle drills...trying to fight to gain your own respite...just when you think yourself almost secure, the sound of the whistle starts coming from the opposite direction a hundred metres away, and it becomes all you can do to just turn around and force yourself off toward it. I must reflect upon my boat mates, Andrew in particular, for his amazing effort during that final run before security. The day before he had been told that he would be joining the next batch of hellweekers because his fever had forced him to sit out a night or two of training. In spite of that, he chose to stay with the boat through one of the toughest tests we had ever faced throughout the whole week, and he came through for us, and that alone showed everyone that he deserved a place in the next phase, and so he was given that secure position as well. His loyalty is touching, he had nothing to gain from joining us yet still he did, and the benefits reaped were plenty. Our regular, Mr Tan, an amazingly strong man in mind and in body, a constant inspiration to our boat and one of the reasons why our boat managed to perform above average most of the time. I must applaud their resilience, John's running with his testicular and thigh abrasions...simply amazing.

2008-01-12T22:42:00.000+08:00

Hell week begins 24 hours from now. My pre-hell week thoughts...not much really, other than a great desire to complete every hour of it and pass out uninjured. A week ago, i was nervous, having experienced hell day, the thought of having to go through another 4 similar days was really terrifying. Now, most fears have subsided, and in its place is a the typical calm before the storm kinda feeling. This is supposed to be the biggest rite of passage any young man doing national service could possibly endure. I hope i come out truly a changed person.

2008-01-06T00:54:00.000+08:00

Having endured hell day...i find myself really quite worried about getting through hell week. The most important thing i'd discovered about enduring these things is not thinking about how fast or...indeed how slow time flies. If there's anyway to cope with it...it's to take every thing one step at a time and to maintain a level of alertness sufficient to prevent injury, which has to be my biggest fear at the moment. If i manage to conquer this big hurdle, the rest of the way would seem to be within touching distance, long as the distance may seem at the toughest of times.
I spent the night with my "prefect friends", oh i do find it awkward to refer to them as prefect friends, we had a steamboat dinner and followed by dessert at NYDC. Before we met, i must confess that i was faintly worried that the outing would be an uncomfortable one. The last time we'd met up was a year ago. A lot changes in a year, and there were many questions in my mind. Would we be able to click as well as we did in the distant past. Would we have anything interesting to say to one another once the typical pleasentries had been exchanged? With growing maturity, i do hope it is right to use the term growing maturity on myself, i have found a greater need to improve my networking, and part of that would include keeping in touch with old friends such as these for they form a precious part of my memories, of a time when things were fun and easy -the life of a teenager, while coupled with its endless list of struggles is ultimately fun-, when we had boundless amounts of energy and when life didn't hold so many responsibilities. While i miss those times so much, what i miss most would be their company. Perhaps my biggest regret about last night was that...nobody brought a camera.

2008-01-01T12:44:00.000+08:00

I must admit to feeling really quite morose right now. The thought of having to return to military life after living so comfortably these past few days has me feeling so dejected. To nurse the pain, i'm listening to Rosemary Clooney...slow jazz standards to suit my emotional state. I'm probaby slightly affected by the fact that it's the first day of the new year as well. It means theres a whole year ahead to deal with. 2007 was...a very eventful year to say the least, it was so packed with numerous milestones, i can barely recall half of them. I wouldn't say that it passed by quickly, there were just so many things happening, most of it right now is just a blur. To think that 2008 might be equally hectic...sends a slight tremor down my spine. I think my new year's resolution was a bit vague......"To take more control over my life"...What do i mean by this...well i've not quite figured it out. Perhaps i want to take on more responsibilities in the house..make myself a little more useful around..funny i should be saying that right now as i laze about before the computer while my parents are busying themselves with packing this and that downstairs. Perhaps i should, if time permits and the opportunity arises, take up a class...maybe resume french classes or pick up some other life skill during the weekends. My course will end before the this year is halfway through anyway. Taking up a regular class outside might allow me to meet new people as well...even if i do take a rather long time to warm up to strangers let alone get close to them or trust them for that matter. Perhaps i should start financial planning as well. It would make a good practice, planning with my meager pay may seem at first pointless and difficult to adhere to, but it would train me to use money with greater prudence. I get 400 a month. I have 4 weekends out, i should budget...30 dollars a weekend. Multiplied by 4, that is 120. I'll have..380 left. 50 for monthly transport. I should have a lot more money than i do right now...i think i've been wasting it a little..No matter...its a new year, time to do things with more organization. Even if it means keeping track of monthly spending. My father just turned on some Elvis Pressley...it's helping the mood. Pay day is in 9 days...the time will come to put things to the test.

2008-01-01T02:46:00.000+08:00

My social circle could be likened to a cretin. Undeveloped..stunted...The need to meet new people never presented itself to me in a stronger form than it did today. Too few friends, to few reliable friends. It's probably really unwise but i wish i did have a girlfriend. Lately, the need for companionship has just seemed stronger. I never truly realised how important the DA kids were to me till now. Since we'd left school, there had never really been a proper DA outing till this month, and just being together with them felt so right, it felt so natural. It's amazing how a single elective module could lead to the discovery of friends so special and unique that i should describe them as probably the one of best things to have happened to me in poly. Like Jas, i really sentimental, especially about friends like them, i just have problems expressing it or even revealing it. If and when i do go overseas to study, the one of the first people i'd like to see upon coming back would be them. I must admit that having not met up for such a long time till recently, i'd actually resigned myself to the conclusion that it was one of those friendships that was magical while it lasted but that's that. Renewing the bonds this month..or rather, reminding myself of their existence...it really put things into a different light. Made life seem so much more enriched. I guess the most significant thing i can conclude about returning to band so regularly at this juncture in life is that, my social circle has advanced so poorly that i don'thave anything better to do on weekends other than band. While i heap the praises upon my DA friends, i find myself sadly disappointed with my secondary school friends. Having invited them to a new year's party at my place, they let me down by chickening out at the last minute because they had figured out that my place would be packed with people they didn't recognize and they'd rather do their own thing than be placed in that situation. I wish they had come, i wish i had their companionship through the passing of this new year. I suppose i can't have everything.
New Year's Resolution: Take more control over my life.

2007-12-27T22:30:00.000+08:00

It's incredible how unfortunate circumstances can throw a person into the deep end, forcing the person to learn to adapt and respond to the changes in the shortest time possible. Forcing the person to grow up, to take on responsibilities not normally due to one so young. Looking upon myself, and my lifestyle..i realise with a tinge of embarrassement that it's been so well sheltered. I really don't know what it is like to fend for myself, don't really know anything at all. I realise i don't know how the PUB charges us for the electricity or water bills. I don't know what it takes to support a family or the legal issues involved with housing and bank loans and such. This world is harsh place for anyone...i wonder if i shall ever be ready to take it on. Then again, experience has shown me that you learn things as you go on, pick things up along the way, improvise...If there's any resolution i should be making for the new year, i should make it a priority to take control of my life and future in a more hands on manner. I suppose i'm in many ways spoilt. At least i realise that i am...i don't even bother with giving my parents money now that i have a steady income. Something i've always felt a little guilty about. The least i could do is give them a token sum, to show that i'm filial or something. It might convince them that i'm worthy of an overseas education. Speaking of which...i don't know which undergrad program i should be looking into. Follow my dreams and do marine biology or zoology degree, or do that which is most likely to get me a well paying job here, something like biomedical sciences or pharmacology perhaps. Is there a degree to be found that could give me a little bit of both? I wish the future presented a clearer path.

I seem to have found away out of the dilemma. It would appear that marine studies might be the ticket. Three of the four streams available in a bachelor of marine studies seem to have relevance to the Singapore context. The most promising one seems to be "aquaculture & marine biotechnology". It gives me the chance to work subjects of interest as well as improves my chances of getting a job locally. Problem is...it's a four year program. Assuming i get a year off because of my qualifications...that still leaves three years of education that my parents will have to finance. It means i have to do well and make sure i get to do my honours in the final year...

2007-12-27T14:50:00.000+08:00

I was sipping on a glass of pinot noir from bourgogne...when i heard the unique call of an unseen bird from the backyard. The call resembled a rattling high pitched laugh. My curiosity aroused, i went to investigate and found a pair of white throated king fishers. It is not the first time that such birds have visted my desmesne, yet their presence never fails to intrigue me.

2007-12-22T16:06:00.000+08:00

A scary incident occured during training on Friday. For the first time in the course of our training, a safety time out was called. One of the lads, the biggest, fastest and strongest of us all lost consciousness underwater at 6 metres deep while we did our underwater knot tying test. He had pushed himself beyond his limit and he blacked out underwater as a result. They pulled him out of the water in a prompt response and immediately administered a desperate CPR on the guy. Some of us saw his pale complexion turn purple for a few moments as the instructors desperately pumped his chest to no avail. Finally they started slapping him and literally pounding his hugely muscled chest in an effort to revive him. Eventually he came around to the relief of everyone present. The few short minutes between his revival and his extraction from the water seemed to drag on for a century. Some of us confessed to being terrified to the verge of tears. I found myself frantically praying for his safety. After he was stretchered off, the faint tremors in our voices were poorly concealed as we spoke in hushed tones. A traumatic experience for the company, and many lessons to be learnt. I find myself thankful and slightly proud that i'd managed to complete the difficult test unscathed. While it was a worthy achievement for anyone, any excitement i might have felt at the success was heavily overshadowed by the training incident. The message to be broughthome from the incident was this, "Push yourself to your limit, but do not exceed it for you could bring harm upon yourself and others". I think it will be some time before most of the lads pick up any courage whatsoever to perform a similar test. Having passed the test before the incident occured, provided those of us who'd been successful with a comforting measure of resistance to the drastic drop in morale and confidence that spread across the company like a plague that day.

2007-12-15T18:09:00.000+08:00

My physique has undergone yet another change.. now i'm skinny malnourished looking stick. I don't really know how it happened but it looks awful and i am shocked beyond words by the change. I just know that i have to do something to alter it before it affects my physical performance in a detrimental manner. Perhaps i've not been eating enough in camp. I know for certain that this week i have not, due to a poor digestion and illness. Yet, how can 3 days worth of food poisoning cause my body to waste away in such a manner. OK..wasting away is really embellishing the true state of it but, in contrast to my previous size, i really do look scrawny. Camp food is crap yes...i sometimes don't eat some of it, like if it's an awful fish cake or some other awful dish...but i still get the full value of the other dishes...This is very troubling. I must eat more...Probably won't put some of the rice back in the pot after the cookhouse uncle has dished a whole heap of it on my plate. I should also restock on my bars...ensures that i have some stuff to eat in the event that night snack is pure rubbish.
Recently, there's been an outbreak of food poisoning in camp. At least 15 people have been victims to diarrhoea, and vomiting, some of us unfortunate souls have even had fevers. Hopefully, this disease will die down by next week. I was hit by it midweek and boy did it leave me in a weakened state. The platoon commander blamed it on our personal hygiene...but when it's so many people...would you honestly expect me to believe that all of us are poorly bred filth laden creatures who don't wash our hands after we take a crap? Admittedly, we have lived in some pretty unhygienic manners for some time, but its to be expected of life in camp, and for months, we had remained diarrhoea free...till recently at least. You seem to think it's our water bottles. You bring up the possibility of algae growing in them over the weekend...for pete's sake...algae requires bloody sunlight to grow...if anything its bacteria that's been giving us problems. I don't know where the blame lies honestly, but i know for certain that it must be food. I didn't feel crappy till after lunch on Tuesday. Made me hate cookhouse food with a vengeance that day. One of the worst parts of being so low down the food chain in camp is that, you're hardly ever taken seriously till something overwhelmingly shitty happens. Like this, and even then...they cast a rather skeptical eye upon you. I guess this has been a random rant leading in several directions. One: the stupidity of my platoon commander who just can't shut his trap. Two: I feel very restrained in camp and disillusioned with my lack of freedom compared to guy from other units. Three: Having done quick reflection...it's just been a bad week and i am slightly grumpy and not having anyone to go out with this tonight.

2007-12-08T00:17:00.000+08:00

I suppose i should be wrong in trying to look for possibilities in a place where there is none to be found. Patience, i must constantly remind myself of patience. Time will tell. In truth, deep inside i always knew it to be the case, and yet, one cannot help but be cautiously optimistic. Perhaps there will come a time where i shall feel the need to exert a more active attitude towards this. I've finally had a proper session of boat PT... It is by far one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. I never knew what it meant to feel exhausted till i'd gone through boat PT.
I must be the most boring chap ever. It seems as though nothing exciting ever occurs while i' around. Or it might be because i just habitually downplay everything, so even if it were exciting and would make a good story, i just have the knack for making it mundane and dull. Which inevitably makes me a very poor story teller. Tragic. This puts me at a disadvantage when it comes to holding up a conversation. I'm not feeling the Christmas spirit this season. Perhaps it has something to do with being in camp all the time. There's no joyous or eager anticipation for the day to come. Indeed i know not what to do with my block leave...living in a life full of fun and danger my foot...

2007-11-23T21:35:00.000+08:00

I've fianlly received my blue beret. Hoo ya..and then...not so hoo ya. For now...the hell truly begins. PCP started today...well BMT ended today, that means PCP has started. To mark the beginning of the end, we were made to leap into the murky and pungent waters of Sembawang and then roll about in the sand of the sad excuse for a beach. Then we were made to do a great many diamond push ups...50 to be exact and prior to that roughly 40 standard push ups. Then we ran around the parade ground twice, while breathlessly singing our "anthem" The Frogmen Song. Finally, because many were unable to keep up with the pace of the run, we had to crawl half the way back to our cabins...roughly 500-700 metres away from the parade ground. So i am now shagged beyond that which is normal. I normally dislike going into detail about my NS experiences, because they're usually statistics from the numbers of times i did this or that particularly excruciating exercise. This time however, the introduction to the next phase has left me so indelibly affected that i just had to give some material to my thoughts on the matter. On a more deeper side of things, i do find myself with a gargantuan task in front of me. The training will be hard and i shall be expected to maintain a certain standard in order to make progress. my pull-up count being one of my many worries. Ok that wasn't so profound was it. Having completed basic military training, i suppose i am poised to make the next step into the dark and murky waters of divers training. I am experiencing some anxiety because i sometimes find myself worried that i shall not be able to meet the criteria. Well one step at a time then...

2007-11-18T15:09:00.000+08:00

Immediately upon booking out this Friday, i took a cab down to Ping Yi for the last night of band camp. I never imagined that i would still be going for band camp even while i was in NS. Some things never change, and i wonder for how many more years will i keep on doing this. Probably not much longer... Yet who could accurately predict what might happen in 5 years' time. I really do miss certain things about band, especially since i no longer have the freedom to choose where to go on weekdays. Nearly a quarter of each weekend out of camp is spent with the band. No regrets about it though, because it is an opportunity, brief as the period may be, to spend some time with friends whom i would otherwise not be able to meet if we did not all have this one activity in common. Dinner last night burnt a great big hole in my pocket. It's rare that i should spend so much in one night on one meal. Yet, the food at Melt was so wonderful and the spread of the buffet so wide it left us wondering what to place on our plates with each new round. It basically consisted of world cuisine, food from India, Japan, South East Asia, Europe, and other parts of the western world.
I think i am finally about to succumb to the overwhelming jaded feeling one typically gets before a booking in each week. I used to be able to stay positive and keep myself upbeat in an effort to maintain a good attitude towards everything. I always tell myself that that is the best way of completing my obligation to the nation. As it is, my reluctance to leave home for camp in a few hours' time is increasing as i create this entry.
I've been hearing a lot of the phrase "life is such" recently. From my instructors and off late from Mdm Nava as well. It was never my favourite phrase because i've always felt that it suggested a certain amount of resignation in the face of undesirable circumstances.

2007-11-11T09:42:00.000+08:00

I rather dislike Sundays now. Having spent whole Saturdays in the company of many people...friends and family to whom i am close. Sundays always seem so dreadful in comparison. I seem to suffer a strange withdrawal because i don't have much company on Sundays. I feel excessively lonely, agitated and jumpy. Sometimes, i get to go out with Jon, and that helps to alleviate the symptoms. Other times, especially today, i find myself wondering about what i'm going to do for the rest of the day in order to kill time..or rather to make the best productive use of it. I've tried watching TV the whole day, but that never really worked out, because it felt so anti-social. Then again, i was never a social butterfly to begin with. It's is utterly frustrating to spend half my Sunday moping about the house. I can't wait till i complete BMT. Maybe i'd feel better once given friday night book outs.
Strange how my entries have started become shorter and further in between. I told myself i'd pen my thoughts on paper in camp and transfer them to this medium when i got back. But i could never bring myself to take a look at those thoughts again. I treat them as though by reading them, i might inadvertently alter something which would result in a great change to everything in the present. A change that i couldn't cope with. I dislike change...

2007-10-13T11:35:00.000+08:00

Spent the night with my secondary school friend again. It's become quite the routine for each weekend i book out. Chill out till roughly 3am and then we go home and we're all knocked out. In retrospect...i think i should've gone to Tekong to do my BMT. Apparently i'm prime OCS candidate material. All you need is a good GPA...good as in above 2.8. At least that's what Doll's SISPEC sergeant told him. In the NDU, it is very much do or die. You either go all the way through and get your dive badge or you get out of course and end up as a sea soldier or clerk. It's a tough route. Seriously, why do i always seem to end up doing things the hard way... Always ending up on the hardest route to learning life's lessons. Sometimes i wonder if it's because i make poor choices.

2007-10-07T11:08:00.000+08:00

Three weeks into NS and i'm still pretty much enjoying myself. A vague jaded feeling popped out from somewhere this weekend. I've sort of put it down to my doctor's having recently cleared me to go ahead with the upper limb physical activities. For some reason i am feeling worried and anxious, afraid that i may injure my wrist again even though this is what i'd hoped would happen for quite some time. It isn't easy trying to remain positive about it either, but i think it is entirely necessarily that i remain confident and at the same time wary, so that i come through this all unscathed. I am determined as hell to go all the way, so i must in no way jeopardise my health by being reckless. Tough...really it is.
Sadly i've not had as much free time as i'd like in NS. No real opportunity to think about the future and what it may offer in terms of furthering my education. I seem to be in a fix. I wonder if there are other science diploma holders in my company...from the looks of things, i seem to be the only one. Difficult to find somebody who understands our predicament. I guess once the opportunity arrives, i'll have to dig out my old poly contacts and ask them how they're faring after their university education. That however won't be for a long time more. I broke my alarm clock last week. Stupid. I jolted awake in the middle of the night fearing that it was wakee wakee time and accidentally swept my alarm clock onto the floor off the upper deck where i sleep. The hands of the clock stopped moving after that.

2007-09-15T00:40:00.000+08:00

Ever so often am i reminded that it is the most simple and spontaneous things that are the most enjoyable. Like spending time with your mates after a fast paced session of football, doing boy stuff mostly...like smoking which i had no part of, and playing PSP. Awesomely enjoyable in all its simplicity. For the better part of today, i suffered from fuzzy eyes and an irritated nose. After soccer, i felt so much better. Normally i suppose it isn't recommended that one should be prancing around the football pitch while inflicted with flu symptoms...in this case..i totally recommend it as a cure because after tonight, my mind is the sharpest it has been in the last three days. I feel so alive and alert... To live life is to enjoy it in all its vigour. Very uncharacteristically, i have taken a rather big fascination with my 1 year old niece. She's just really entertaining to observe. Especially so when she spits out a fiery phrase of baby babble and flings her arms about in intense ferocity so surprising for one so small whenever somebody is irritating her or when she doesn't want to be carried by somebody other than her "chosen" one at the time. I have fortunately not been at the receiving end of her tigress-like fury because i simply don't want to carry her or irritate her with silly faces and goo goo gaa gaa noises like all the other adults and teens do. The best parts i like about her is the way she responds to music by waving her hands or stamping her feet in a baby attempt at following the beat and the huge fascination she's developed for fish. Needless to say it is the latter which has me the most pleased... It's wonderful that she recognizes the animal and can even mouth the sound "ish" whenever she sees one and start pointing at it. Given that the other words i've heard coming from her include ball and a few other things you would expect from a one year old. This unusual affinity she has for fish is clearly quite special.
The A-league's profile has been rising in recent times. It's wonderful what a strong international showing can do for the standard of a country's league. They have some really interesting old players flocking down under to have one last go at it before they end their careers. Granted this has been the case for MLS as well, but there's just something about the A-league that's gotten my attention. Probably part of it is down to australia being much closer to singapore than america. Players like craig moore, juninho, bobby petta, stan lazaridis, mario jardel...and till last season dwight yorke. These marquee players, signed to improve the club's standards of football and give it that extra glitz and glamour to attract a crowd truly make things a lot more interesting...if they're playing well that is and not spending too much of their time drinking and having sex.

2007-09-13T22:58:00.000+08:00

A few more days and i'm off to serve the nation. I must admit to a growing trepidation, for while i had always looked forward to enlistment, i had never envisioned enlisting under the current circumstances. The one bit of good to come out of it is that it's put to bed permanently whatever delusions i might have had of becoming a dangerous killing machine. Childish day dreaming that comes as part of the package when you're a testosterone charged young man.
I made an attempt at baking a cheesecake. It didn't fail miserably. It turned out quite edible actually. To be critical, the cake's center sank...because i'd beaten the mixture for too long. The base made from digestive biscuits is too sweet for my liking. Definitely have to try an alternative there. May have baked it for too long as well or at too high a temperature. The temperature on the recipe stated 160 degrees centigrade, i left it at 170. 10 degrees is quite a big difference.
The past few days have been all about waiting. Just allowing time to play itself out.
There's not much to be done. Not much to be said either.

2007-09-06T14:38:00.000+08:00

A few more days and i'm going in. Most probably anyway. The interesting thing about this injury is that it actually opens up options...within certain boundaries at least. This is rather pathetic. It's been 4 bloody months since i got it and the one thing i choose to commence the entry with is an issue regarding the injury. The truth is, it's really been one of the main things on my mind in recent days. Usually it ends in my brooding over something i can't control anymore. Utterly pointless and yet i choose to indulge-if the word indulge could possibly be applicable-in it on such a frequent basis. OK. i don't have a clue what route this entry is going to take. Everything in my head is sort of fragmented. Let's say you throw a huge glass mirror on the floor and the shattered pieces carpet the entire room that is your head. Light shines and you get these glaring reflections bouncing of numerous different shards and in all directions making it difficult for you to focus on anything at all. I think that's the state my mind has been in for a while. A few days ago, i had yet another crap bottle of wine with Jonathan. I'm beginning to think that we will never truly enjoy wine the company of one another. We can't even open a bottle that's decent to drink. Beer on the other hand is an entirely different matter. I've been planning to get a 4-pack of that new local stuff called Archipelago for some time now. Better get it before i go in.
Yesterday was the first time i'd gone cycling in 4 LONG months. I had no idea my fitness had dropped to such a low level. My legs were feeling the burn even before i got to east coast park by the usual route i take. Normally they don't even feel tired till i'm on my way home. It a bit disappointing that when i finally get to cycle again, the only mode of private transportation that i possess...i only have slightly over ten days to do it.
I just learnt that women have better peripheral vision than men...go figure.

2007-08-26T22:42:00.000+08:00

I find myself faced with a most difficult dilemma. After 4 months, my broken scaphoid...the bone in my wrist... has not fully healed. I am due for national service in the next 3 or so weeks. Which leaves me with a fairly difficult decision to make. I can choose to go in now and risk becoming a clerk...the alternative is requesting for deferment for a period of 6 months. Which means i effectively sign on next april. The most positive outcome from this would be going in and serving as a clerk for a few months before doing my full BMT in a higher Pes status. Which is all very "iffy" because i cannot predict what might happen. I find myself in a most unfortunate situation. I do not want to be a clerk because it would be a sheer waste of my 2 years of service. Yet, the faster i am done with this the earlier i can begin my further education. 2 years is a god awful long time to spend behind a desk. I want a proper national service, i want to experience the full thing... not a watered down version for shit heads who cant take excessive activity because they don't want to. Defering for such a long period has its benefits, aside from the obvious drawbacks like starting work later than my peers. I could use the time to travel around the world. Experience new cultures and such. Work in a foreign country before moving on to the next. The choices are plain and simple, but the decision is a difficult one to make. I believe a logical step to take is to dial up CMPB tomorrow and throw my queries at them.
A huge problem with all of this is my own personal view that up till now, my life has been plagued by my inability to capitalize of my full potential. If i become a clerk...i realise that i could obviously become so much more, but am held back by circumstances over which i have little to no control. Frankly i'm disappointed with myself. Everything i've done...it just seems as if i could've done so much more. I saw national service as an opportunity to reach at least 70 percent of my true potential. Now..i am faced with the depressing possibility that i might have to defend the country with a god damned pen and mouse.
After getting the CT scan done, i took a couple of minutes to stare at the image projected on the monitor. I could see the line of the fracture, but i allowed myself to be a victim of false hope. Allowed myself to consider the posibility that it might not still be broken. Hope is a slut, it seduces you into a comfortable mindset...making you absorb positive scenarios and outcomes, but reality bites like a rabid dog. And i've been bitten far too often. I allowed myself to hope that it was possibly healed already, and the outcome was disappointment amplified by many times. In any case. I am in deep shit. I can't make a good decision.
I pranced over to the IDP open day this weekend. The possibilities are intriguing of course, it would seem that in any uni in australia i would be able to get a year's exemption. UQ might give me 2.. 1.5 if i manage to squeeze my way into Melbourne. There is a touch of irony to it all, given that i would not qualify for a university locally. The other niggling problem is the course i should choose. I am faced with so many different majors that i don't know which major would benefit me the most in a local situation. Or it could be that, it doesn't matter at all!

2007-07-31T21:07:00.000+08:00

Things have taken a somewhat undesirable turn at work. I've been moved! I now work in the basement with a strange old man named Teo. I spent the whole day counting paper, records from 2002...five flipping years ago. On a strange note, i came across one belonging to NKF. I can't say more of course without breaching the law...perhaps i already have by mentioning it. Anyhow, this new colleague of mine is and old dude who's hooked on the Hacks sweets. He was popping one in his mouth every half hour at the same time offering me one each time he had one. In order to be polite, you really don't want to offend a chap you're stuck with in the basement for 8 hours a day, i had no choice but to accept the damned sweets. Now and then i'd pretend to unwrap the thing and stick in my mouth while i was actually hiding it in my fist and sneaking it into the waste paper basket at my feet. I don't really have anything against the man, he's nice, talks to me, shows concern about my welfare, so i shall just put up with his eccentricities. The one especially hard to deal with is his love for hokkien music. The only English artiste he has in his stash is Elton John. Another strange thing happened this week. My old classmate from secondary school, Jing Nan...or however you spell her name has started working in the same office at the CPF helpdesk for E-submissions. She was always so quiet in the past, literally in the background of everything. I didn't even recall her name till one of the permanent staff introduced her to her new colleagues.

2007-07-26T20:34:00.000+08:00

The last few days i've immersed myself into the monotonous drone of working life. I get up early, prance off to work and when i finish work, i roll up my sleeves, turn on the mp3 player and read the whole journey home. With each day at work i inch closer to my paycheck. Money which i don't want to spend of course, with all that i have in mind for the distant future...some financial planning is required. I'm beginning to think that a trip to Europe with Jon won't quite materialize. He wants to live comfortably, while i essentially want to live on a shoestring budget. Perhaps i shall have to go on my own. That's a long way off though. If there's one thing i must REALLY thank my parents for, it would have to be my upbringing. Growing up on a small weekly allowance has thought me how to live as frugally as possible.
The seemingly endless repetition at work, the almost mechanical way i go about living each day, accompanied with the opportunity it's provided me to avoid all that has hurt so much, it's like part of a healing process. Each day there are pangs of guilt, resentment, and sometimes even fear. Yet with each day, the pangs are shorter...weaker. As with all things, change was what i needed so that i could move on. So i feel as if i've lost a few friends, it was gut wrenching at first, but now it's just a vague feeling that says "oh well, too bad". As for band.. well 4 years worth of community service...time to be a little more material. Hard to break old ties but, necessary. I say this now but i do not rule of the possibility that i shall return to in future. Things like these are perhaps done violently and with a significant amount of pain that's last for a brief moment. Like pulling a plaster off your skin. Perhaps for the sake of everyone i should become a recluse every now and then, to spare people the stress of dealing with my volatile moods.

2007-07-22T16:23:00.000+08:00

In the past four weeks, i have gone on a total of 4 night long binge drinking runs, 2 of which ended up in my regurgitating the contents of my stomach in a most uncomfortable manner. It's something i've got to stop. It's bad for the mind and the body and all it turned out to be was a temporary escape. The same way work has been for me in the past week or so, i took the opportunity to get stuck in it as much as possible so that i could avoid thinking about stuff that i don't want to think about. I've avoided going online because people online just invoke vicious cycles of thoughts which leave me feeling glum and depressed. Yesterday night, i pushed my limits...again...at Janice's farewell party. I didn't want to sulk all night, i thought that alcohol my help me along, get me through the night, but while it made my mouth more ready and willing, it didn't change the overriding feeling that i wasn't happy. It is both sad and strange that i feel more lonely in the company of people some of whom i have known for years than i would feel when i am completely alone. One good thing did happen last night. I met somebody who's had to go through the same stuff as me. A person one might call a kindred spirit. Funny how you meet people like this so seemingly out of the blue. Even stranger that it should be Edwin's sister. I spent the entire night talking to her, and realised that we shared some uncanny similarities in nature. Her perceptive abilities had me rather stunned and i just carefully let things out while i absent mindedly killed the flying ants landing all around me. I still don't know her name actually...which is weird because i spent the whole night talking to her... but it's good to know that she exists, that there's actually somebody else like me out there. It's quite impossible to describe how miserable i feel so often, most of the time it stems from a loneliness exceedingly difficult to deal with. In the worst of times i turn to family because in there arms so to speak, i know i can find people who love unconditionally. I am deeply comforted to know that i'm not the only messed up person trying to find his way through life. It's comforting to be recognized for what i am inside and to recognize in somebody else traits that i possess. I shouldn't go on an alcoholic binge again...

2007-07-12T21:32:00.000+08:00

A day at work isn't as tiring as a day in school. I am satisfied though, that i at least have a more steady focus for my energies and i am learning stuff. Doing this for a month shouldn't be so bad at all. It's really quite a sticky situation when you have to talk to these chinese educated contractors regarding companies they've recently set up and whether or not they are sole proprietors or partners. Half the time i sound absolutely ridiculous speaking chinese. My immediate superiors were pretty surprised by my efficiency today. By the end of the day, i'd exhausted them of tasks to give me so i spent the final half hour stoning and watching the clock tick away quite patiently. I hope this becomes a daily thing because i'm just getting the engine revved up. It's thus far been a worthy deviation from the stuff that have plagued me in the last two months.
Peut-etre j'irais a Tampines nager demain

2007-07-11T20:40:00.000+08:00

I met Shahid, Pauline and Cherlyn on sunday. We went to the minds cafe at boat quay and played this awesome card game called bang! Which was essentially a complicated version of murderer and detective. I think i would totally go back again, the experience was just really fun. Two hours we sat there playing the game and coming up with sexual connotations regarding the word bang... Then we went for dinner at that open air food court beside the esplanade. From now on, i intend to boycott as much as possible the food courts in town. Not only is the food a load of cow shit, it's priced so ridiculously you could buy a meal at a fast food outlet for the same price. Speaking of fast food outlets, the food at KFC just got smaller while the prices just got higher. If you're going to make me pay through my nose for unhealthy fast food, at least make it taste good. Standards have been dropping! Stale bread and brown lettuce... I miss my poly mates. It's been too long, and as is typical amongst a cliques in school, now that we've all left, the number of people turning up for gatherings has been reduced to something like 4.

I got myself a job! As of tomorrow, i will work for the CPF. Sad thing about it is that i'm being paid peanuts, lunch breaks are not payable and food in tanjong pagar is NOT cheap. I might just invest in sandwich bread, ham and cheese to sustain my body till this job is done. At least one objective is fulfilled, i am moving on with life. Band and all it symbolizes will become a sideshow and i will probably meet new people too.

Ok, the talent for demoralizing people is clearly a genetic trait. Here i am, hoping in the past few days that my wrist is getting better, the pain is less, movement is getting better. Then i speak to my mother and she tells me that it will take longer than its already been to get an injury like this one to heal, and that i shouldn't cycle. Fucking shit. Reality is a bitch. Ah these are dark times. Nothing i can do but to grit my teeth and push through the thicket. Back to brooding.

2007-07-06T09:37:00.000+08:00

I got bored at a gathering of some of my father's friends. I present to you Militia Bear!!

2007-07-05T21:36:00.000+08:00

Swimming is really bad for your hair, it makes it stiff and wiry...so get a good shampoo... Interesting revelation: one of my uncles got together started dating his wife when they were in secondary three. Back then, his mother would refer to her as a fox, now they're family. Mix me kinda wish i knew more of these peculiar facts, they make good food for thought.

I finally purchased a new mp3 player. Creative's new Zen Stone Plus. Nice little gadget, appears frighteningly fragile though, and it has a bit of a charging problem. Otherwise, it's sleek, user friendly, and weighs about as much as a feather.

Things are getting a little demoralizing. Used to have a lot more to talk about, just lately it seems as though i'm getting dettached from everything. I don't like long awkward pauses, but they're there in increasing amounts. It's just very disconcerting.
Lately i've found it extremely difficult to express myself on the blog... thoughts are always fragmented, i begin entries and end them prematurely because i never know how to go on. What a mess it's been. Or it could be that i am just really tired from the forty laps i did this afternoon.
The transitional phase between graduation and NS is extremely difficult to cope with. I'm more lost than i have ever been. it's not that i want to be emo, it's just that i seem to be swimming through shit that's chest deep.

2007-07-02T23:06:00.000+08:00

Transformers the movie. Totally awesome shit, i left the theatre grinning like a silly boy.
I have to learn to relax, take things easy a little bit more. Lately i seem to be getting trapped in these viscious thought cycles from which i can find no escape. Every direction i explore seems to lead me back to where i started, a very miserable and shadowy place. I've a feeling if i keep this up for much longer, i will shorten my lifespan by a year or two... Death from excessive thoughts or something. It's really tiring me out, i can take the most trivial and simple things and make them seem to myself at least, ominous signs for the future. It's just horrid. A person my age should be living the high life, prancing about night clubs, getting drunk every 4 days or something. haha. Perhaps that was an exaggeration. Everything just seems so deserving of a frown. Perhaps things would be better if i found an outlet to release tension, perhaps swimming. Wish i had company for swimming though...i think i want to swim weekly. The repetitive monotony of doing as many laps as possible within the span of an hour would be more interesting with somebody to do it with. Unfortunately i think i've managed to make lots of people hate me in the past two months. Bravo Benedict....well done..

2007-07-01T23:30:00.000+08:00

Bali~

2007-06-30T23:27:00.000+08:00

So much to say, yet so much i don't feel like bothering with because all it triggers are regret and pain. It isn't so much the plans that have been made that upset me, in fact, i think i am satisfied with the choices made. What really pains me is how it was all carried out. I think we both feel as if we've been usurped. It would've been respectful or simply courteous to have informed us that plans were being made. Yes the timing is right for a change, both of us have grown and fresh blood is quite necessary for long term continuity, but the changes could have been made with more diplomacy. She of all people deserved to be informed of the intention to make the changes. It doesnt feel like a handover, it feels more like a hostile takeover, not so much hostile but passive aggressive takeover. I can't understand what has justified the way things have been carried out, but i do understand the pain of what feels like betrayal more than anything else. I've given up getting angry, it's just pain and then i deal with it, and then when i recover i brace myself for the next assault. No more aggression, i just want a resolution, closure, and peace of mind. Thoughts of this issue plague me at night, keep me tossing in bed for hours, Bali was a breather, and now i am thrown back into the fray. Our juniors don't understand why our attitudes have changed so much perhaps. They are unable or unwilling to place themselves in our shoes. Having graduated with a diploma, my peers are moving on with life, they either enjoy themselves with thorough abandon or take steps to plan their future ahead. Some have entered tertiary education already, others will begin their national service in the next few days. Some have probably begun working already. I seem to be tied down to things from my past, not at i don't enjoy trying to make a difference in the lives of these youngsters. All of you are still schooling, and have not completed your tertiary education. You still get allowance from your parents and the reality biting fact that the job market is bad hasn't quite hit you yet because essentially you are still a student. With a diploma, i could readily enter the job market at anytime, and then struggle to make ends meet while failing to achieve job satisfaction. Ultimately, this scares the crap out of me. Going back seems to be an escape to a place where the concerns of the real world has limited reach. Indeed the lost of school has thrown my balance off. Norman would say time management, i would say it's more than just time management. I was faced with big choices, i chose to take on a flexible job to give me more time to do this. A big mistake. Priorities were misplaced. I should have found something stable and worked around it, my whole approach was flawed. As a result i suddenly find myself in a limbo of sorts. Seems like i have fluffed my first genuine opportunity to make a decision for myself as an adult. One year ago, i would have been bitter, not anymore.

2007-06-28T20:13:00.000+08:00

It's been so long since i've had the chance to 'pen' my thoughts. Journeying off to Bali was a welcome diversion from the beatings i'd been getting from various areas of life. In that island paradise all worries back home were so far away they barely seemed to have existed at all. The island wasn't perfect, but it was a lovely experience and i think i will return in the distant future. It is hard to structure my thoughts regarding the experience as it was diverse in many ways. On the first night, we touched down in Bali at 9.45pm. My first impression of the airport was filled with slight trepidation at the sight of the monstrous looking stone carvings of hindu demons...or gods welcoming us upon arrival. These hideous creatures of stone often have bulging eyes and ridiculously long canines, making them look like the hybrid offspring of a toad and a walrus. Once i reach the customs, 3 long lines of people start to form waiting for the sluggish indonesian customs officials to stamp their passports in approval of our entry into their country. Ok fine, it's a third world country after all, i guess i shouldn't expect mechanical efficiency. Having concluded all the necessary procedures we went off in search of our driver who was going to take us to the resort. By the time we reached the dark and rather quaint little place, it was already 11.30 at night. Anyhow, i am quickly beginning to bore myself with this description of my first night. Let's fast forward to the stay at this posh resort called Alila Manggis. This is the resort my uncle's new wife chose to drag our lazy asses to all the way from Singapore. Wait, i almost forgot to mention that i've finally smoken tobacco! I think the local term for this cigarette is ang hoon or something along those lines. It started at this spice garden which grew all kinds of strange stuff from vanilla beans to cacao fruits. In their tiny "cafe" with a fairly pleasing view over some lush vegetation. We indulged in hot-cocoa and coffee brewed from their very own home-grown coffee beans and cocao fruits. My grandaunt then took up some dried tobacco leaves and rolled them up in cigarette paper, lit the little cone shaped product and began smoking. This was followed by my other grandaunt and then my grandmother as well. It was a hilarious sight and i could not help but join in the fun as well. It then led to my grandaunt revealing that during the japanese occupation she would sell these cigarettes while indulging in a few sticks herself as well.
Back to the resort, for an expensive and posh place, it was a major let down, service was fairly good, grounds were well maintained, but i guess it was because we had to fork out so much money for each night's stay that we were really expecting much more. You know i've been attempting to log into msn messenger for the past 1 hour to no avail. I swear it's starting to get damned annoying. That was random...back to my story. At the resort, i spent the first night eating this lovely balinese nasi goreng which was really quite different from any nasi goreng i'd tasted in singapore. Balinese rice which is found only on the island because they only make enough to sustain themselves was quite nice, not as firm or slim as the thai rice but it was an interesting change. Dinner was held on a grass patch elevated about three metres above the beach. With the night sky clear and glittering with stars peppered across here and there interrupted by clouds, we dined and drank and made merry as the firm but gentle breeze from the sea blew across us creating a comfortably cool atmosphere that was made all the more wonderful by candles on our tables and balls of light spaced at short intervals suspended from a string directly above our tables. Needless to say the experience was magical...so was the alcohol... I think i like burgundy wine. After chatting and socialising a little, we adjourned to the lobby where a small bar had been set up and i started to consume more alcohol. By the time i was done, i was so woozy that i just staggered back to my room while my eyes focused and blurred intermittently. I changed into my night clothes clumsily and fell asleep sprawled across my queen sized bed. The next morning, i woke up feeling a bit dulled and made for the restaurant for breakfast like a zombie. This is a saturday morning by the way, and i decided to spend it at ease splashing in the pool with my cousins, who range from 3 years old to 16 years old. That was ultimately rather fun, i played monkey for a while, something we used to do at sevenbells, the family's former hang out during the holidays. Finally we got to the wedding, which was held by the sea and along side a few coconut trees. The indonesian priest confused us a little, his damned accent not helping things along. Having gotten through with the formalities, the beaming new coupled made their way off along the path created with balsam flowers strewn across the grass. This was followed by a long flurry of phototaking and boozing. We drank something called bellinis. This is champagne mixed with some mashed up peach and a peach slice. Very nice, and then as i carried out my videoman duties with distinct discomfort all this while consuming mohitos, bintang beer and bellinis, the night started to get a little bit merrier. Especially since it was getting dark and i couldn't really catch anything on tape that wasn't fuzzy looking and pixelated. They then started lining the pool inwhich i had been frolicking about 5 hours earlier with these lovely candles cradled in floating platforms to form a lovely sight. Then the balinese musicians began to play and i began to gorge myself on prawn crackers and more alcohol. Then food came and i gorged myself still somemore, this time with wine, mohitos, chicken, satay, rice and all everything~ Finally, i had to return to my video man duties recording conversations here and there. Finally they threw my uncle into the pool~ I hope my wedding has a poolside, that was fun to watch... After all that was done we headed to the lounge chairs placed by the seaside and nearly everyone drank themselves silly. I got drunk...i vomitted...i think it was because i downed a double shot vodka and sprite in about two minutes. Anyhow, that eventually resulted in a slight hangover the next day. Not really a hangover...just a bad stomach because i didn't have a splitting headache. That pretty much ends my account of the wedding...a very brief account because i could've written lots more. I think i don't like my sister as a travel companion or a companion in anyway at all. She irritates the shit out of me. Which reminds me that i really want to go back to Bali, but with friends and not with old people and irritating siblings. Everything would have been much nicer if i hadn't come home to find my computer busted... so i'm using my father's laptop.

2007-06-17T21:51:00.000+08:00

You can tell a person is stressed when he suddenly switches from listening to acoustic alchemy and miles davis to screaming fuck along with the tunes of limp bizkit. Desperation drove me to seek haven in the sanctity of church. Boy does god have a way of making his presence felt... Starting with the prayer of the faithful. One of the prayers went along the lines of, we pray for all the outcasts of society, that they may find joy and acceptance in the reality that is god's love. I no i don't exactly qualify as one, but i sure have been feeling like one recently. Then the communion song was amazing grace...If that wasn't enough, the final hymn was Father I have sinned (Prodigal Son). That's either some crazy coincidental shit...or it's god telling me that although i've been a shit head, he's still there. Damn i am just weary.
I met Hunter today, the newest Aussie addition to my ever expanding family. Strangely, i believe i am beginning to like babies. Now Hunter is this monster of a lad, 7 months old and roughly 11kg. Not only is he three times the size of his younger cousin Jillian...he looks like he could squash her with one foot. He's such an adorable lad though, with his HUGE eyes and lovely soft brown hair and a sweet smile accompanied with a single dimple on his right cheek. A very interesting complement to Jillian who is just brilliant herself. I think i like her because she smiles at me... I've grown soft.
I've finally begun doing some serious research for a place to go further my studies after NS is done. I know it's a long way off, but it's good to have some sort of plan. Two universities on my list are Melbourne and Queensland. Now to become a vet, i'm not getting anywhere with a fucking diploma...so based on advice from an IDP officer, i'm going to get a basic degree first, then do graduate entry into Vet Science. Assuming i have money this would be the most realistic route. Otherwise, perhaps my interests will change, and from a bachelor of biology, marine science or zoology. I might decide to continue till i reach the level of masters. But i'm really still very keen on veterinary.

2007-06-08T23:26:00.000+08:00

Crippled. Why the use of a term that would conjure images of a a legless man in a wheelchair in association with a young and almost fully mobile young man. Certainly the term crippled would be overstating the consequences of a broken bone the size of a peanut. Indeed to say that I am disabled would be a little overdoing it too. Then one must conclude that either my use of the word is flawed or its application is not directed upon my physical state of being. Yes, it is my morale that is legless and my spirit that is crippled. Skinned both my knees today. Sometimes i feel as if tears are about to well up...but nothing comes. I don't cry anymore. Crying used to relieve tension...i don't possess that outlet any longer. Drinking numbs it...temporary escape. Stupid to get worked up over a broken peanut sized bone, stupid to allow stress from different ares in life snowball into a massive hulking demon. Stupid. I broke my hand on good friday. I stand here staring across a barren land stretching along the horizon. Everywhere i turn i see desolation. Would be nice to see some cactus now and then. I've been selfish lately.

2007-06-07T21:53:00.001+08:00

I know Eric is spastic...literally...but he just grates into my nerves like nails scratching across a chalk board. Today i told him to shut up after he accused me of sending a meal to the wrong place. Oh there are just so many things i would like to do to make him suffer. Then again, he is spastic...and perhaps being not spastic, i should be understanding. Unfortunately...imitating him and getting him angry sort of amuse me. It's just been another frustrating day. I've had so much on my mind...well perhaps it isn't a lot, but when more than two things keep playing over and over again in my head, it begins to appear like a huge load to deal with. I was so distracted that when i bumped into Joanna's boyfriend i couldn't recognize him at all. To make things worse..when he asked what my sister was doing now..i said TPJC twice!! Fuckin' hell! When did i become such a ditz... It took me a while to collect my thoughts and give a slightly more coherent answer regarding her SIM placing.

I've fury which needs unleashing.

2007-06-06T22:20:00.000+08:00

I stupidly gave up a job at the birdpark for this stupid shit. What a damned fool i've been, to arrange my priorities in such a way that i've managed to ultimately do myself in. I've been an idiot in choosing this path, a complete and utter idiot. I'm hurt, perhaps i'm being a little oversensitive, but, it stings nonetheless. Furthermore, the trust rating has dipped even further. 4/10 would be about right. I don't normally admit my own foolishness, one of the faults of having a high ego, but this here is an exception. I need an outlet to bash something, the saddest thing must be that i can't bash anything because my right hand is "crippled" so to speak. I give up. I don't suppose it is even worth squat getting angry over. Fat load of good it's going to do anyway.
From fury and outrage to resignation, now it's just a tinge of sadness, most extreme emotions comfortingly drowned out by my bottle of hoegaarden and the cranberries playing on MediaPlayer. Random thoughts just dart across the weary expanse of my mind. I saw Jingyan today, while i was at bugis, i wish i had had the time to stop by at starbucks to say Hi. Next time i guess...assuming i do go out again in the near future. I've been lucky so far this month, having managed to catch a movie already and go out with friends twice.
Ooo..agitation...momentary i hope....*sigh*
Apistogramma cacatuoides I just got a pair of these pretty little dwarf cichlids. Strange timing considering i know full well that i am about to enter a phase in life with limited freedom and time for the care and raising of two lives...regardless of how small and seemingly insignificant they might appear to be.
Tammy, the manager from work says irregardless...funny that...i constantly withold the urge to correct her.
My mother just told me that taking calcium tablets may help the bones mend. She said that she had spoken to doctors. This tells me a few things...The fact that the progress has been so slow is unexpected and that even the doctors did not expect this. I'm demoralized once again. What a rollercoaster ride this day has been. I'm tired.

2007-06-06T21:07:00.000+08:00

It has worn me thin for the rest of this night, it works like a poison, coursing through my veins. The effects of this poison are spirit damaging, but my response to it will be as it has been for every other morale dampening experience i've had the misfortune to encounter. I shall steel myself to absorb the impact of it and bounce back from the darkness and fog with even more ferocity. In the mean time...before the actual bouncing back occurs, i shall indulge in some much desired alcohol.

2007-06-03T09:11:00.000+08:00

I could not help beginning this entry with a sigh. The trip to the doctor's yesterday evidently did not go as well as the doctor, my mother or I myself for that matter had hoped. After 6 weeks since the operation, the bone has not healed, progress has come at a snail's pace. A minute amount of growth was shown on the left edge of the fracture, but the inside is a fairly big gap that still has not been plugged. It is very disconcerting, i don't know what it would take to seal that fracture. Given all my aspirations to become a naval diver...this news is most unwelcome, and i was left wallowing in despair for the better part of the day as i trudged around town shopping for clothes and shoes. That means my face was a picture of misery for almost 8 hours. One possible way to increase the speed of healing is to take calcium supplements. This i will do, at the risk of getting kidney stones or gall stones if i overdose on the supplements... Another thing i might try is the use of magnetic therapy, wrapping a bracelet of magnets around my wrist in hopes that it will polarize my blood cells and aid healing and circulation and what not. It's got little strong scientific evidence backing it i think...but i'm quite willing to try anything at this point. It's so difficult to remain optimistic about it. I am determined to recover, but everything is so discouraging... I feel like loosing a wail into the cool night air.
I think my family rocks, last night at dinner, this indian family sitting next to us were celebrating a some kid's birthday. They didn't want to be obtrusive and sang happy birthday in such a shy subdued manner... Being myself..i couldn't help but comment that it was so soft, so everyone at our table started singing happy birthday for the kid. It was such a warm gesture, the indian family was touched and offered us cake later. Dinner was good and i shared this lovely apple pie and chocolate fondant with my cousin...i've got a soft spot for nice desserts.
I'm disgruntled..it's been a rollercoaster ride of a weekend.

2007-05-16T22:44:00.000+08:00

I've finally caused problems with somebody at work. Rest assured it was not a customer...I've been very compliant and polite to those. This guy's name is Eric...he's a fat 30 year old monstrosity who doesn't shave and who's just damned rude and strange. People would probably thank me if i got him scolded a few times honestly...no one truly loves the chap. I sometimes wonder why he wears spectacles when his glasses are always found so low down the bridge of his nose...on top of that...they're always clouded! To make matters worse, i can never understand a word of what he mumbles, he goes "muhnbrumgrure" and I'll be like "what...?" Today i irritated him enough for him to scold me fuck you~ haha, and i didn't do any of it intentionally!! I've decided to be as professional as i can about this...but i am this close to pulling the hairs off his damned whiskers. The best thing about working here must be eating the food...it's good...most of the time, but it really is a double edged sword..because if i continue eating the food there on a regular basis...i will.....inevitably get cancer... Char grilled food tastes nice because of the burnt bits of carbon, but that much carbon accumulated will kill a person. The alternatives are spaghetti and fried fish or chicken...i think i will give the fried fish a shot tomorrow...the bits of fried fish i scavanged from Agnes's plate were quite lovely. Another problem i have with the job is that i have to keep smiling!! It's absolutely painful! I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before...

2007-05-14T20:40:00.000+08:00

It has just been the most awful day i have had in months. To begin with, i wasn't able to sleep last night because ending work at 11pm does things like that to you. My mind was running a marathon while my body felt battered in a hundred places. So i tossed about in bed, until exhaustion overcame me. The next morning i had to wake up at 7.30am in oreder to make it toToa Payoh by 9am. A journey that requires the amont of time i used to take to poly but mroe tedious because of the bus ride. Before i set out upon the journey, i discovered that my mp3 player was spoilt...it does not turn on anymore....Anyway, I had to go for an interview with a vet, which turned out badly enough to make me hate the man even before i'd met him. I entered and spoke with the clinic's manager who wasn't expecting me. Alright..that's fine..so the chap probably forgot. So the manager does the interview and doesn't give me a clue or an idea of how things work, and what i should expect. Then he says the vet is coming in late today, ok...so i'll wait...and i waited till 12pm...watched him shave a dog...then i discover that the vet isn't coming down after all. So having filled in the application form...which he took half an hour to produce...i left not having fulfilled anything at all. Just like that and half a day disappeared right before my very eyes. During this period, the manager spoke to the vet on the phone at least 4 times..the least the vet could do was apologize to me over the phone or something...the most basic civility i would have expected. So my mother calls the guy to clarify things i suppose, and during dinner i found out that...yeah...he expects me to be a volunteer on like..3-4 days a week or something...not even a small token sum to help me pay for transport or food, i can't be paid because the clinic is already sufficiently staffed. So i've never spoken to the guy and already i don't want to speak with him ever. I know i am a nobody...so to speak... but i am seriously pissed off. Logically...if i wanted to volunteer as a vet's assistant....free of charge...no token necessary, i would do it close to home...certainly not all the way in Toa Payoh. So having gotten snubbed by my interviewer even after i made the effort to go down on time early in the morning after a restless night. I head of to the esplanade to look into the Phantom of the Opera ticket problem. Kenrick's payment bounced and he couldn't get the tickets, so he smsed me to go book them today, and so i did...go...not book them..because there are like 7 tickets left, all individual seats priced at 160 dollars each for friday night. That just left me gutted and i seethed with anger and resentment the whole way home. Life's unfair, i accept that happy little fact...but..this is cruel. Should i do this vet thing...?

2007-05-11T15:25:00.000+08:00

My propensity towards growing things has lead to this outcome. Now if only i had more skill as a gardener...the plants would be in a far better condition. I guess i am fairly satisfied with how my miniature rose have turned out, but i strive for something as close to perfection as possible.

I think the third picture is a flower that must be male or something. I am pretty sure that the original wild rose would have looked something like this. A problem with my flowers is that their petals are all kinda curly wurly..they used to have sculpted perfection a few months back. They must require some extra hormone plant food thing or some other additive that i've not provided them with. Might even be because i've stopped feeding the plants fish water..

Work is...tiring. I like the constantly on my toes feel.

2007-05-09T20:05:00.000+08:00

Hm...I'm going to become a waiter at Aston's Specialities. Never thought i take the leap and throw myself into the cauldron that is the food and beverage industry, but i suppose to exposure would do me lots of good. The manager dude has made crystal clear to me that as waiter i must humble myself and serve...my main objective being to serve. It is with no small amount of trepidation that i go into this. One would think that with a diploma, i would be searching for a different job, but part time work is flexible, and i am quite satisfied with the pay they are offering an inexperience greenhorn like myself. Wonder if i'm cut out for this service industry stuff. Too head strong? might start a brawl with an irritating lady... At any rate, i'm just immensely relieved that my days of stagnation are at an end...for now. If i am going to be getting money...i guess i may have to start financial planning too. Might be cheaper to buy a bus stamp than it would be to put 50 dollars in my card. It's a 63ct journey there, and 63ct journey back. That makes it a $1.26 a day. Now assuming i worked for 4 days a week and there being 4 weeks a month, i would have to place $1.26 multiplied by 16 inside the card just to travel back and forth. Necessary... That is $20.16 for transport to and from work. Let's add my other travel expenses, because as a twenty year old, i most certainly have to go out and do stuff, can't just sit home all day watching the fish swim for hours. I'd have to make it...35 dollars at the very least per month.. Which amounts to a whole day's worth of pay assuming i work for 7 hours a day. Hmm, i don't think i can start revamping my wardrobe just yet. Wouldn't dare to say that i have enough to save for a holiday. It does leave me with extra pocket money to go out and enjoy myself with mates now and then...living the simple life yes? It's sufficient. I'm satisfied.
On a totally unrelated and rather random note. The scab is gone!!!!!! Now all that remains of the operation - externally at least - is a knot of scar tissue, that hasn't fully settled because it itches a little now and then and i still treat it rather gingerly. Progress is good, i can't wait to go for a swim again. just another few weeks more till i can cycle again as well. Hmm..i am concerned though that the job might pose potential problems for the injury. Will have to be careful..i'm tough...but i don't want to be a stupid idiot.
Thanks to the afternoon rain...it's turning out to be quite a comfortable night, the past few nights were just dreadful...

2007-05-08T20:05:00.000+08:00

The chalet is over, and along with it the weekend. 73 different people went to the chalet, a massive number, yes? I think i actuallly enjoy the position i am in, where i have to interact with all of them out of necessity. Keeps me on my toes, i enjoy the feeling, always something to do, no chances for me to construct excuses to sit back and do nothing. I did however lose my swiss army knife...thanks to felix...irresponsible insensitve ass. I'd placed lots of sentimental value upon that small red gadget and i a moment typical of his nature, he simply lost it for me. I cannot help but seethe in recollection. Truly though i can do nothing but sigh in resignation, all is forgiven nothing is forgotten as is my nature. I'm glad it's done, now i have to worry about the future, but not so soon. I registered for relief teaching with Ping Yi. Now i must wait for some teacher to fall sick and then, maybe...just maybe they will call me and i can earn some money. Quite frankly...given the amount i have contributed to the school in terms of time and effort over the pass few years through band, it would be nice for them to return the favour. If they don't...well... at least i made the effort to apply, i can rest easy knowing that i tried.
Graduation. I think i am not going because i didn't receive the graduation package and now it's a little late to be booking a seat...wait and see situation...once again.
Should i apply for a job at Aston's..? hmmmm

2007-05-02T20:49:00.000+08:00

It's taken a while to fully realise that when it comes to band, nothing is ever straight forward or easy for that matter. Half the things i find myself planning and working for often end up not coming to pass for one reason or another. Take for example...the band handbook kenrick wanted to create. I spent hour late at night working on that thing, but it never came to fruition. A few important things were used and kept for other things, but the handbook itself...nothing ever came of it. Formations planned and pain stakingly designed early in the morning -3am- have been completely scrapped. Then more recently, an attempt at a leadership training course for the leaders, a whole day of inspired planning and due to the teachers' need for a break - a well deserved one at that - and their own packed schedule filled with holiday remedials, it would seem that simply broaching the subject would be futile. Balls. Yet, i have gotten used to it by now, it's something i've been growing up with for the last 4 years. I 've made some stupid sacrifices for this band, now it seems i'm in a state of limbo. Relief teaching seems pointless because a school wouldn't need teachers during the school holidays, no company is going to hire me for a month...at least i haven't found one yet, and my broken hand sorely reduces the opportunities available as well. I seem to be trying to justify my bumming about doing nothing. Well i don't enjoy bumming about doing nothing because i have no money to spend.
This injury really compounds my efforts..i just found a temporary job advert for a job at the airport which requires a fit person capable of lifting liquor. It sounds bloody lovely to me...only i can't my thick story book without feeling a twinge of pain now and then. Once this heals, i'm applying for every packing job i come across. For now... i have to try to convince myself of the benefits of applying for an admin/data entry kind of job. Beggars can't be choosers, but administrative work...hours on end spent in front of the computer typing numbers that make no sense... Balls of shit... should i? i'm not keen on that. God...please give my hand some aid.

2007-04-25T23:27:00.000+08:00

When a person finds himself buried in a pile of work, he's quite wont to tell himself that given the free time i would do this and do that. Now that i find myself with all the free time in the word, i struggle to find the motivation to do anything at all. I am wanting a sense of purpose, and it has resulted in my miserably teetering along the edges of negativity. I can't quite say that i'm particularly unhappy about life, yet there is so little to do in my current state. Perhaps i exaggerate the true extent of my physical disability. I can certainly still type, i can perform all basic tasks required of a human. This faint feeling of misery must be the result of my not getting a call from royal sporting house regarding the job application. This is all compounded by the slight soreness in my throat that i am suffering from at the moment. Then there is the uncertainty with regards to my future in the army, that's been an agony. It is more painful anticipating the worst consequence in agony, than actually suffering the consequence itself. I sink deeper and deeper into a mire of negativity with each day that i spend at home not making good use of myself. I need work... and logic tells me that even if i have nobody to accompany in applying for relief teaching, i should go ahead with it because it is a possibility i have to explore in order to maintain sanity. I can't even form structure to my thoughts. Yet there are tasks to perform. Like the creation of a new alumni t-shirt. I've been avoiding because of my natural dislike for conversing with strangers and such things. I would do well to make a better effort at it.

2007-04-24T19:29:00.000+08:00

Having nothing to do is driving me insane. I've spent the last 45 minutes fretting over the possibility that my left scaphoid is broken as well and that i'm just not aware of it. God damn it i am going crazy... It's a very unhealthy state of mind i am currently in.

2007-04-18T22:02:00.000+08:00

I'll have to admit much to my own dismay, that i do in a very small and strange way rather envy the way Andrew, Boo keong and Chelsea have managed to attain the respect and love of the band members in the past year or so. They have managed to become leaders as well as friends to the members in a way i feel that i never managed to do when i was a leader in the band. Nobody ever said, i'll miss you and we were about to graduate my batch and I. Indeed circumstances then and now are entirely different. That does not change the way i feel about it, a vague sense of failure on my part to create a bond with them that was so tangible and vivid that my graduation would have been felt as a forming of a temporary void in the band's typical functioning. Perhaps part of the reason why i dedicate so much time to the band originates from that sense of failure. If i couldn't make a difference then, may be i cam make one now. Meddling little creature i seem to be. Three 4 years on since my own graduation, i suppose i have contributed a significant amount in my own way, and yet, it still doesn't seem like enough. Is that a factor in what keeps me going? Undoubtedly, and undoubtedly there are other contributing factors in the grand scheme of things.
After my review with the doctor this afternoon, i loitered around town for a bit, and naturally i found myself happily increasing the length of the mental list of books to get in the future. I did manage to get the next installment of Steven Eriksson's series of Tales from the Malazan Book of The Fallen. Yes, i can proudly claim that i am a fantasy reading geek. I've been waiting for this book for months, since last year to be precise. In fact, i think i've waited a whole year already.
The doctor had some good news today, just a week mroe before my mother can cut the stitches from my wrist, a grand total of 2 of them there are. Unbelievable...now i know why it's termed microsurgery. Leaves a tiny mark it does. All that anesthetic and all i have to show for it is a scar sealed by two grand stitches. I am happy of course, wouldn't want something big and obtrusive, but sadly, he isn't quite removing the screw. He doesn't see a reason to. Apparently the wee little thing is worth 300 dollars. I'd like to see the looks on my children's faces when they cremate me of whatever many long years from now and discover a shiny bit of metal in the remains. At least the new bandage is not as ugly and cumbersome as the old one. Oh and a strange thing is that the area where they inserted the long needle for anesthesia is more pain and sore than my broken region....hahaha!

2007-04-17T22:18:00.000+08:00

My wrist has finally undergone surgery. To roughly underline the whole procedure, a needle about an inch long was stuck into my left hand and it was through that needle the doctor pumped my body with general anesthetic. So before i knew it, i was knocked out cold. My last sentence had something to do with being uanble to consume wine that night. Anyhow,they sliced my right wrist open and sawed the two broken bits raw with some wire, and then they screwed me so to speak - that is to say they drove a screw through both the broken bones to keep them together-. Now i don't know how well this will work but im praying with heart and soul...well not quite but i'm am hoping in a very positive manner entirely unbecoming of my nature that by july, i shall be unscrewed. Meanwhile, i may only suffer in agony as my band friends take on a newborn enthusiasm with regards to physical activity. Due to my handicap, i may not actively search for a job, that damned job agency has not gotten back to me at any rate. So even if i could work as i much desire to right now, i would not know where or how to find a job. I must seem like a huge bum to everyone, not working at all in the last three months since graduation. Well i can't really justify not having gotten a part time job, i feel even slightly ashamed of it. Yet, i was hoping that the job agency would be prompt in helping me find one. Can't rely on anyone but yourself.
I've thus far read like 15 chapters of Charle's Dicken's Great Expectations an i can only conclude that he must surely be the greatest writer and story teller whose works i have had the privilege of reading. It's fanatastic. I thank all the powers that be for an upbringing which has provided me with a command of the english language sufficiently strong to allow me to appreciate his work.
All things considered, my broken wrist, limited physical capabilities, lack of work and all. I find a very compelling need to set my mind towards finding a focus for my mental faculties in the next two months. While reading all day is quite fun, there's only so many words my eyes can take before they start to break.

2007-04-09T22:09:00.000+08:00

Being temporarily handicapped or disabled or whatever term you may wish to use is a most depressing state to find yourself wallowing in. I've gone from beingfit and bustling with energy to becoming an immobile invalid who has to type with one hand while the other one which is wrapped in bandages and plaster rests upon a pillow. An utterly helpless feeling it is, but what hurts most - and it certainly isn't my wrist even if a bone in it is busted - is that all the hopes i harboured for an exciting future in the army are dashed, burnt to ashes in the consuming flames of my misfortune. If this leads to a downgrade in my PES status, i shall be dejected for a good long period of time. It very likely will result in that. I can only hope that the damage is a simple fracture without any displacement which would be absolutely disastrous. I always did appreciate the power of my right arm, losing it has meant that i find difficulty in merely spreading butter on bread.
Oh but i have Janice to thank for dragging me down to the A&E, if not the problem could have become so much more serious. What an incredible person and friend she's been. She came for band and had such an impact on all of us, the way she worked her magic on the uniform, or spent time rubbing down the swelling in my wrist and in Norman's shoulders. How she added some much needed female companionship for Farzana. She leaves for down under this July. Sorely missed by all she will be and a great loss to the band as well. This summer will mark a period loaded with changes for everyone. I can't help but dread change. Yet i can't wait for NS to come, then again with my currett physical state, i guess i can...i'd like to make a complete recovery.

2007-04-04T09:39:00.000+08:00

My resolution has been made and so my nerves are calmed. It is well and good that i have a very slight misanthropic streak to my nature. Life shall henceforth proceed as per normal with no visible manifestation of my mind's resolve.
This woman Lena from Kelly Services just called. Looks like the airport job isn't available any longer, they're looking for someone to fill up a full time position. A commitment i certainly cannot make. Ah, but patience is the key to this. Fortunately i never did have a high expenditure.
Last night, i met my the secondary school gang for dinner at the completely halal food center in Bedok South. I'll have to be honest and say that the quality of the food was as poor as i had expected it to be. The company was good though, and it more than made up for the bland tasting food. We ended the evening walking along the huge canal at Tanah Merah, which runs behind my Grandmother's place all the way to the main road. True to the nature of our strange relationship. We ended up engaging ourselves in physical activities, which made me rue to choice of wearing that thick polo t-shirt. By physical activities, i mean seven 20 year olds playing "Ice and Water" and "Pepsi-Cola" within the confines of a playground for more than an hour. Haha. What it is that keeps us meeting up at fairly regular intervals over the years since we graduated remains something of a mystery to me. We consist of 4 guys, 2 almost completely english speaking chinese guys, one malay guy and an indian, mixing with a group of the most stereotypical "cheena" girls one would ever meet, they chatter predominantly in chinese, some have taken to working at KBox -although they don't like the job at all i must add-, and a conversation with them on msn is loaded to the brim with god awful emoticons bobbing and flashing across the screen in a most distracting manner. When we converge~ a most obtrusive din is created and we quite likely annoy the shit out of anyone within a ten metre radius. At this point of time in my life, having been shaped by experiences from the past years, i can safely claim that if i were to meet strangers like them right now, i would damn well avoid them like poison. Too noisy, too much chinese and too many damned emoticons. Yet, in spite of my aversion towards their "type" we still have fun when we meet. I put it down to the fact that we befriended one another in an impressionable age of innocence, we were 13 when we first met. Untainted by the prejudices which society would create in us many years on, we became very "gummy". Now, the appeal lies in being able to behave in an uninhibited manner when we are around one another. A feeling of release which allows us to revert to our childhood instincts without shame or fear of judgement. Best of all, there are no confusing emotions involved, we'd long since outgrown such complicated feelings. None of us is going to suddenly drop a bomb and say "I've had romantic feelings for you all this while". That simplicity and straight frankness in our relationship is something to treasure.

2007-03-28T22:31:00.000+08:00

Now I am not normally one to whine about feeling lonely and damn..i don't really know how to go about doing it. I can't come up with another word to describe loneliness, which must be quite apt, as it would be weird if "lonely" had many synonyms anyway. To put things into a little bit of perspective. Something like 2 weeks ago, i went cycling, alone..., around places like tampines and bedok, stopping at fish shops i knew to be along the route. So i probably ended up stopping more than ten times just to stroll into a shop and inspect their goods. Yesterday i spent loitering around Parkway, looking to see if any interesting outlets had job vacancies. I suppose this is something one does alone anyway, but it would have been more fun if i had had a companion. The only thing that cheered me up was eating a muffin at Baker's Well, that little place at Katong. They called it a healthy muffin, no butter less sugar apparently. Tasted nice enough though, very homemade texture to it which i like, even if i do prefer the richness that the use of butter would provide so effectively. Where was I now...something about loneliness right? Well anyway, i seem to be doing so many things on my own, indepedence to a small extent yes, at least i don't have to rely on other people to find entertainment and i can survive and remain fairly content on my own. Today i went to fill up a form at Kelly Services, so that they could help me look for a part time job. Moral support would have been nice.
Oh to put it as plainly as i can. It's all these little things that i do, like going out to grab a new book, or just getting out of the house to avoid the oppressive feeling of staying at home and sinking into a routine of computer-tv-food, sometimes, i just find that sometimes, i would prefer having the company of a friend around to ease the boredom. Imagine going out and having only your own thoughts to converse with. That's alright occasionally, a bit of reflection time, but i can't have it that way all the bloody time. Yet, the thought of having to ask a friend out to do these little things...the prospect of having someone around, it seems such hassle. Immediately my movement is restricted by having to consider what my companion might want to do. I am a certified geek/nerd type creature, a diploma in Biotechnology says it all really. I would not expect others to feel content doing the things i am quite happy doing on my own. Yeah..my head is a bit jumbled up, i am certain that nothing above made much sense at all.

Anyway~! I went to eat a buffet at this place called Sakura. I regreted it a little. Crap food, crap atmosphere-low ceiling, lots of voices and noises travelling with ease resulting in a cacophany of loud murmuring, did i also mention that the damned floor was constantly sticky and oily, the service was bad too- didn't not clear the god damned plates often enough, and to finally to complete the horrid experience, the food was halal. No pork... Nothing against halal food, but i am quickly getting the impression that when a restaurant is a halal one and it serves non-muslim food, the restaurant is automatically given the opportunity to compromise its standards, poorer food quality and stuff. At the same time, they're charging exorbitant rates because the muslims don't have the most magnificent choices of food to eat sometimes so they've just got to accept whatever it is comes their way right. Money wasted~

2007-03-25T23:21:00.000+08:00

The chalet has come, the chalet has gone and now i'm happily burnt to a crisp. Merely wearing a t-shirt is a painful affair. How about that. I had tremendous fun on the whole though. I let myself loose, and for a whole weekend, i did not give a rat's ass about the outside world. At times i got up and danced, Sameer's spontaneity was crucial, often he allowed himself to express himself freely without restraint. It reminded me that i was in the company of friends in front of whom i could reveal my inner child, the more innocent and fun loving side without fear of feeling shame or embarrassment. This happened to the extent that more often than not, my behaviour was just plain silly..in a good way of course, nothing harmful. I think i have sufficiently fulfilled all that i have wanted to do during the break and can whole heartedly look for a part time job to kill my time.
I am going to make a very feeble attempt at describing the way i currently feel physically. I'm currently sitting slouched on my black leather computer chair, with my legs rested on the computer table. My head is basically in a spinning in a damned vortex and while i am seated, i feel as if i am literally blood floating in the air, levitating above my chair. Then there is that irritating numbness in my right ear which is partially caused by water getting in my ears and my attempts at removing the water.
Now i find myself back on my ass, but feeling a strange dettachment towards everything i have learnt. A feeling that could be interpreted as"i knew they couldn't be trusted" and then in the back of my mind, a small voice tells me that i should expect more problems from all areas in the future. By the end of this year, everything will be drastically different. My theory on change comes into play here. Things were smooth for so long, and now it's time for a change because i'm mentally ready for progress into the next phase of life. It saddens me to know that i will lose a lot of things by the time i am 21. Relationships with many of my friends will be altered in life changing ways i expect. I pray that what i gain in the process will more than make up for it.
For now, i am at least enlightened and my feet are back on the road. No more spinning about in the air for me.

2007-03-20T00:52:00.000+08:00

Have you ever considered your future, and then felt a dull panic begin to rise up from within your gut that said with utter certainty and sureness that this really isn't going to be a lovely cruise down a straight road on a sunny day with the wind blowing in your face. No..the only thing that is going to blow in my face is the fart of an elephant. I'm worried sick about my future. I don't believe my parents are going to pay for it. I mean, every talk i have had with them involves my mother saying that i should work for a company for a while and expect them to give me a scholarship. Fine and dandy...but who's going to give me a scholarship to study veterinary!? Have they perhaps forgotten what i want to do. I have no idea how i am supposed to go about pursuing my dreams. My mother keeps emphasizing on salary, how she works and they pay for the bills and the house and everything. How there's nothing saved up for my education. It's fucking annoying how they're not being open about whether there is any money to put me through uni in a foreign country. I'm going nuts about it. I need some reassurance, solid facts that tell me that everything can be alright, i don't want to know if they will be alright, i just want to know if there is a possibility things might work out the way i want them to. Certainly i don't expect it to be easy, i don't dream of having things falling into place with ease. If you're not going to pay for it, then put it plainly to me and i will work it out on my own. If you can't afford to do it, put it plainly for me to see that i have to work or sign on even. But for heavens sake do not leave me guessing and clutching at air. If this is some fucked up cheeky test to see if i'm worthy, Damn it, it sure is something i would pull off on my own kid...then i suppose i have to convince you that i am ready to work hard and not take any of it for granted if you decided to help finance my university studies. I don't know what to do!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!

2007-03-08T21:21:00.000+08:00

Raja did not call, so i am pretty darn certain that i didn't get the birdpark job. *pops the champagne to celebrate yet another failure" On the bright side, i may not be getting any richer, but i will get to attend the ROCKIN' chalet we're gonna fucking have!! WOOOOOO. And i will get to go for band, yay...i think... I should maybe brush up on french and seriously go down to ubi and do something to start basic driving theory.. Acoustic alchemy rocks man, you could listen to it for hours, it just goes down so easily. Thank you Timothy for shining some light upon them for me. I particularly like the R&B sounds of their Say Yeah song. This afternoon i had so much to write about, but now i seem to have reached a weird mental block. Oh fuck it all, i really like to drink a beer right now, but i think i have had enough to drink for one week. I've not had a lot mind you, but its a discipline thing.
I've been wondering if i should really keep going for band and all. It could be this huge something that's holding me back from development in many ways. Undoubtedly it has contributed to my development in many ways as well, but... i can't help but worry that the real reason why i keep going back is my inability to detach myself from a past that i should possibly have left behind long ago. I don't know anyone else who goes back to help their secondary school CCA on such a regular basis, besides Sameer going back for NPCC. So here i am alone wondering if what i am doing is pure folly on my part. I'm willing to embrace national service at this point, just to see the changes it will contribute to my growth. I have this strange faith that if anything is going to make me ready to date or make me mature enough to go out into the world it would be this, NS. I feel as if i am a twenty year old BOY..not a young man but a BOY. It feels as if i have been waiting for such a long time for a drastic change to occur. Poly wasn't too drastic a change, nothing intensely life changing about it. Not the kind of Tsunami effect i'm expecting. So Tsunami or eruption of Mt Vesuvius, whatever life changing event awaits. FUCKING COME I CALL FOR YOU!

2007-03-07T21:06:00.000+08:00

I think i'm satisfied with my results. I didn't do poorly. Certainly the results from this semester are a vast improvement from many of the previous semesters. Didn't get a single C. Yet i did not get an A either. I swear that if i had just one more semester I would get an A. I managed to scrape a Gold out of the NAPFA test as well. Now that was a pleasent surprise because 3 months ago, i wasn't able to do a single pull up, legal or illegal. I've applied for a bird handler job at the birdpark. I am this close to not wanting the job because it would eat up my weekends, and i find myself a crossroads. Just before NS, i should perhaps be living the high life, a simple flexible job might be more ideal. At the same time, i also want to do something that is relevant to my interests and would help me pick a career in the future, and this birdpark thing would be highly relevant in many ways. The biggest drawback would however be the fact that i am still so firmly attached to my current lifestyle. The thought of being torn away from going to band and meeting my mates as and when i please has stirred up a whirlpool of conflicting emotions within. I keep thinking that at the age of twenty, it might be time to do the adult thing and move on to explore the many options that lie before. Just as Janice has missed band for the past 4 months or so. On the other hand, it would break my heart to say good bye to it, just as things are starting to get exciting. I finally met the new secondary ones, and i found myself able to work with them with an appalling ease i never had previously. Oh here's a random thought: I get a free crumpler pouch for getting a Gold. What the hell am i supposed to do with a free crumpler pouch? I think i will go collect it next week...at the same time i'll have to go get those damned result slips i have lost printed.
Just the other day, a fleeting thought wandered across my mind. What am i supposed use as my homepage now? It's been the SP webpage for the past three years. Now that i'm a graduate...and waiting for NS....maybe i should make the NS portal the homepage. God forbid!! That's an awful idea.
One year ago, on this day, i was in Rockhampton, coming to terms with being an intern. Fast forward one year and i'm a polytechnic graduate. If the birdpark thing does not work out tomorrow, if that Raja guy who was so passionate about his job as i am passionate about the band, does not call me, i shall look for a lame ass part time job simply to kill time and ensure that i do not go broke before NS.

2007-03-01T13:52:00.000+08:00

I made my first baked pasta for lunch. I basically just mixed some macaroni and leftover spaghetti sauce in a dish, topped it with shredded mozzarella and baked it for about half an hour. The things one can do with stuff you dig up from the fridge. It was quite pleasing. I think now that there isn't any school and i'm not really working, i'd like to tinker around the kitchen to cook my own meals a little bit more. Seems the logical thing to do to pass time. Also increases the sense of satisfaction gained while eating.
My cousins are going to lose their house in a few days if what my mother says is correct. I think i'm supposed to go over and help them move out their valuable items. This is bad... very bad. Damned lawsuit. Our lives are irreversibly changed now, chinese new years, christmases and new years will be greatly affected. It feels rather awful. Very awful actually. Their house is one that holds special memories for me, and now it's going to be taken away.
Yesterday's football was absolutely magnificent. I never had so much faith in my teams ability to play as a unit till yesterday. We played fast paced direct passing, quick counter attacking, a very english style of football. Sameer and i think we have a style that is similar to Manchester United's. BUT many levels lower of course.
Then there was dinner with Chen Pei and Farzana. That was lovely. We ate at Country Manna, after walking around looking for a buffet but not managing to find one that suited our tastes. It'd had been several years since i had eaten at that restaurant. For some reason, i felt that the portions were too small for me when previously...i guess it was because i was primary school then...i felt that they were massive portions. Then we had dessert at Bakerzin. I was more than satisfied with that, it was a positively heavenly experience. Now, i wait for the birdpark to accept my job application... i need work.

2007-02-22T14:24:00.000+08:00

I think i've just lost half my will to live and all of the false hope i had initially harboured on getting a job with this diploma in the future. Looking at the list of cut-off points, all i could do was sit there in a stupor and whimper like a dog in pain. I knew this course was a fucked up piece of shit. I went in and they demoralized me and turned me into a monster. The only thing i knew for certain was that i could only find success as a test tube washing lab technician at a secondary school or a fucking thermocycle machine salesman. This is literally the final straw, they've trampled on my body and have left me to die from my wounds by the road side. FUCK THE SYSTEM!

I used to think that the one redeeming fact about this diploma was that anyone who qualified to enter the cause had the ability based on their O level results to enter a Junior College. Now it's just a farce of a course for stupid mediocre students who could just enter with results like B4 for every freaking subject. I think i just want to die...

But according to ummar...its 15 at SP and 26 means the cut-off for all polytechnics...like that's any fucking consolation. The cut-off was fucking 10 in my year. I should seriously think about doing something else...

Woe is me...oh lamentable day...

I came home from meeting Jonathan and i happily decided to refry some left over pasta for lunch, pasta was soured...spoilt and sticky. A grand waste of my effort that turned out to be. Now i find out that my future is destroyed!~!!!!!!!!! Well it may not really be so dire as that but it sure feels that way right now.

2007-02-12T21:35:00.000+08:00

I completed the assessment for the NDU today. Sheesh, first time having anything to do with the divers and already i'm tired. How the hell am i supposed to cope if i get in and actually start training. Gosh it's scary. I now find myself struggling between two desires. One is a desire to be over and done with NS as soon as i possibly can, but the next NDU intake is in bloody august!!! On the other hand, i would really like to be a diver. So where does that leave me. I'm torn between the two. Well it's not as if i have a choice as it's really not up to me right now.Oh balls...after that long essay on change, i find myself facing an inner struggle to cope with the latest change i am about to face. Life can be such a bitch.

2007-02-11T22:33:00.000+08:00

Lots of things do happen in a year. At this point last year, i was preparing for my exams and getting ready for an overseas attachment in Australia. 12 months later, i've graduated from Singapore Polytechnic. And besides the more obvious change in my status as a student, my nature has i think improved as well as a result of getting closer to some people and resulting in my getting closer to some people as well. It's made my final year in school really quite interesting. Oh balls...i do dislike changes occuring when things seem to start going fine and dandy. Maybe that's why changes occur sometimes. When a fine balance has finally been achieved, it must be a signal to the powers that be that this phase in life has reached its end-point so it's prime time to move on to the next phase, because the subject has now the mental stability and readiness to take on fresh challenges. If the change does not occur, it means that the subject is still unprepared for the next big change and that he/she requires more time in the journey and has not reached the optimum point. The band was doing wonderfully well before they had to split, the split came at what must have been late log phase...or in non-scientific terms, the point where they were reaching their peak. Somehow, it was deemed suitable at that point of strength for the two to take different routes, because both schools had garnered sufficient experience to move on to something new having learnt many lessons along the way. Kenrick had to move on to the army when his career as an instructor and project organiser was really starting to bloom. I'd finally really settled into school and now i'm out of school. Change often seems to occur when things are going very well. As it interrupts and throws the established order into disarray, it is often frowned upon and viewed as a very major inconvenience. It is only because it throws you out of your established comfort zone that you may view it as adverse. We are always told to step out of our comfort zones, and change is so inevitable, it literally pushes you stumbling out of your comfort zone. It keeps things interesting though, and is the reason for the diversity of experiences you gather throughout your life. Just when thinks start to reach a smooth point, change jumps in to prevent things from getting monotonous and dull. One should expect change to occur most often when things are getting comfortable and one becomes fooled into believe that change will not suddenly fall right into one's path. Simply to prove that this could be true, i cite the Ping Yi band as an example. The split from Springfield was at first viewed by many as a major pitfall, especially when things were starting to seem almost perfect. This simply meant that the band was ready to make it on its own, so change steps in, and while the initial adjustment period wasn't easy. The "lag phase" in a sigmoid growth curve. The band has responded well and is now in the early parts of the "log phase". Springfield on the other hand has been taking a bit longer to get past the lag phase...

2007-02-11T21:35:00.000+08:00

The band went to the SCH today to practice for about an hour and get a general feel of the place. The session was essentially a huge success. They performed very well and showed flexibility and confidence in coping with the new environment. The best part of it all was that Miss Sia blew in like a hurricane and made these changes to the interpretation of the music which worked well. She quite clearly thoroughly enjoyed herself conducting Ping Yi again. We are after all her very first band, so there remains within her a very strong sentimental attachment to the band. And they sure did not disappoint her today. It almost seemed as if she'd never left. Just like old times... The biggest problem with finishing school seems to be, "What do i do now?" I should probably get a job, buti don't know when i will be called up to serve the country. So i am in a state of limbo once again. The uncertainty of what the future holds prevents me from actively looking for a job. I can't afford to go overseas like i had initially hoped to do. Go tour Europe was my plan. But i can't even bring myself to ask my parents for money to go to some place as nearby as Thailand. It would be irresponsible and spoilt of me to do so. I have after all completed my education in poly. I should be a little more indepedent i think. Another thing that has forced its way into my thick skull within the short time that has passed since my final exam is of course the girlfriend issue. Or lack of it. Since i don't have one, i couldn't possibly have girlfriend issues. It's a little perplexing to realise that at the age of 19 going on 20, i have never had a girlfriend. I hope i am one of those who start late, you know, like only getting a an actual girlfriend only when they finally reach their twenties. I don't know how to go about getting one, and frankly, time is running short because NS looms ahead. Maybe NS will be the turning point, the pivotal event in my life that will make me ready look for one or rather, give me the balls to actually go out and get one. I always had the impression that these things usually start with a friendship, and then later on in the relationship, both parties come upon the realisation that they do have a thing for each other. Of course, i am aware that it is certainly not by any means limited to occuring in that manner. I can't imagine myself dating any of my female friends, it would be kinda awkward... A worse alternative would be going on a blind date through a match making agency or website. But i think those things are reserved as more drastic measures for people who are at the marrying age. I should be patient and maybe be a little more optmistic - hopefully i have reason to be optimistic...- While the first digit of my age is changing, and i am about to enter the third decade of my existence, i guess i am still young. Lots of things happen in a year and it will be another 8 years or so before it's finally time to settle down.

2007-02-11T00:43:00.000+08:00

Geez, i only realised how much i had in common with farzana today... we both can't open up or express our feelings to those we thing we can't quite trust and..well, there are more things than just that, but i am tipsy and unwilling to elaborate. I am quite worried about how having to go to NS will affect a good friendship. Things will inevitably change, and i must accept the fac fact that as we all grow up, things cannot remain the same, but i do wish that i could somehow just prolong the way things are going for now and make things seem a little easier to cope with.
Anyway, i attended my uncle's wedding tonight. He held it at Sentosa, where he met his bride. When you consider the fact that they met at that very same resort through work, i guess it is a fitting place to hold a wedding. As they were about the stand up and kiss each other following the solemnization of the wedding, a pair of medium sized white birds flew into the vicinity, and boy was the sight a romantic one. The sun was setting on the horizion, colouring the sky in gold and red, and my relatives all looking on lovingly and in strong approval. My cousins and i could not agree more that the timing of it was really quite perfect. I do like weddings, i guess becoming twenty this year has made me quite soft. I've begun to wonder if i will ever experience what they're gone through or anything of the like. I do want to get married. Shit. I think that must make me sound very girly. Well it was lovely, attending the wedding, i do love weddings. Especially since i get to pump myself with loads of alcohol, and my behaviour becomes more uninhibited by the need to behave properly. My uncle mentioned that he hoped to be around to solemnize my wedding... i hope so too. But the way it is currently going, i'm worried i couldnt get a date let alone a girlfriend. I've never had problems relating to women, i'm not awkward in front of them, yet... all the time, it would seem as though i'm better at making friends with them rather than developing a relationship with them. This can't be a good. I'll just be patient i think, and believe that somehow, out there, there is someone who can tolerate my shit and would be willing to spend a lifetime with me. My polytechnic education just finished on friday. It was a magnificent feeling, completing the plant biotech paper, and leaving the examination room earlier than everyon else. It signified the end of my current lifestyle, one which i had gotten fairly used to. How does one return to a place while they feel abosolutely unwelcomne.

2007-02-07T22:25:00.000+08:00

3 down 1 to go, 3 down 1 to go, 3 down 1 to go, 3 down 1 to go...
I have to repeat this in my head several times a day, to remind myself that this madness is going to end in a mere matter of days, and that it is not as far off as i think it is. Yet, each time i rings in my head, a small voice from the dark recesses of my mind, muffled out by all the facts about embryogenesis and micropropagation, speaks out and says that i in spite of myself, i am actually going to miss the madness. Regardless of how taxing it can get at times, this madness which is school and many things that come along with it has a few redeeming qualitites. Certain lessons i will miss, simply because the atmosphere was fun. Chilling in the library during breaks and talking nonsense, that i will miss. Strange and really extremely quirky coursemates...i MAY miss on occasion. Trips home i will miss, well good things never last do they? I'm tired right now though, and my brain is quite a jumbled mess of random plant facts hurtling about amid a backdrop of nostalgic thoughts. My miniature roses are growing extremely well though! Not that it matters though, even if Valentine's Day is coming up. They're not quite at the flowering age even if i did have through some odd miracle, somebody to give 'em to. For some strange reason, i very daftly interpreted the name of the Miles Davis song "Just Squeeze Me" as literally squashing something with your fist. I only now while i listen to it, i have realised that it really means "just hug me tight and hold me in your arms" rather than...just asphyxiate me... i don't know how i messed that up...I think it has something to do with my not giving or getting a great many hugs. Listening to Miles Davis makes me wish i had a glass of wine in front of me.

2007-01-30T22:49:00.000+08:00

2 years ago, everytime i received one of those computer generated letters from CMPB, i would feel annoyed, slightly harassed and even a little fearful. Now i actualyl look forward to it a little, there is always that hint of apprehension behind the excitement. Will it tell me when I enlist??? What do they want from me this time?? Today i received a green letter. "You are hereby required under the Enlistment Act (Chapter 93) to report for Vocation Assessment" at Sembawang Navel Base. I think one of my schoolmates got a purple letter asking himt o go for a commandos assessment. Well anyway, apparently, this is an assessment of my aptitude to be a naval diver. Jonathan had to undergo the same thing. I find this quite exciting, i would not mind being a naval diver. Diving is a very useful skill, especially for water loving creature like me. I'd definitely like to be a naval diver. If they think i am up to it or want me at least.
I had dinner at Thiong Bahru last night after the cell culture exam. OH, i simply must mention that along the way out of school, i flogged a delicious swissroll from the Design School Opening thingymajiggy's buffet. I just felt a bit cheeky, so i just took one when the lady when one of the buffet staff wasn't looking. Anyway, after dinner i actually went to chill and just relax by the fountain outside Thiong Bahru Plaza with some of my classmates. Strange how in the relatively short span of year, i have changed my attitude towards them. I now even enjoy their company. It has placed me in a position where i have come to regret the strong words condemning i had written in an entry from what seems like ages ago. I was unfair, and my general emotional health at that time wasn't the healthiest at all. I was bitter and resentful, i hated everything.
I'm still thinking about my naval assessment thing...i always kinda wanted to be in the navy. Blame bloody JAG....

2007-01-28T01:13:00.000+08:00

The atmosphere was bloody amazing, the sheer crowd size reminded me of the national day parade celebration itself. 55, 000 people packed themselves into the Kallang Stadium to witness the final battle between Malaysia and Singapore to take place in the old stadium which has held for millions of Singaporeans, so many bitter and sweet memories. Once again, my respect goes out to Sameer for managing to start the kallang wave once again! This time, i did not shy away, and lent all the support i could. Boy was the feeling incredible to watch 55 000 people respond with gusto. After that showing...the lions had better not get careless with this opportunity to win the tournament for the second consecutive time. I finally saw what our chinese import Shi Jiayi was capable of and i must say that i was suitably impressed with his work rate, passing and clever control of the ball.

2007-01-26T23:48:00.000+08:00

I watched the Drama Appreciation assessment today. It's always lovely to see Simone again. The two plays by the friday class were comedies strangely enough. Normally we see one drama and one comedy. Anyhow, i think the first play was entitled something like "A very strange honeymoon". I thought they did alright, even if some of the acting could have been better. But then when i read the script after they had finished performing, i felt that they did not do justice to what could have been a very entertaing play. The interpretation and comedic timing could have been so much better, and i also felt that they could have personalised it a little more in order to make it easier and more natural to perform, by changing the few spanish phrases they were forced to belt out into perhaps...chinese.... The second play was The Taming of The Shrew. Shakespeare. They attempted to squash a Shakespearean Comedy into a 20 minute period. If they had succeeded...pure genius...they didn't however and pretty much mangled it. The scenes were badly linked because they had to cut out many parts, and they failed to make use of the facilities available to them to set theme and mood. They really should not have made such an ambitious attempt.
I seem to have lost some confidence in my ability to pull off an A for any of my last exams. I am starting to doubt my own ability. I think this may have something to do with studying in too big a group. 4's a crowd. I very much prefer studying with just the company of one person. Less distraction yet sufficient company to make the atmosphere less oppressive.

2007-01-24T21:59:00.000+08:00

I studied today at Moberly block. This block is T11 in SP, and was only recently renovated to cater to the more recreational needs of the students. Unfortunately, the marketing of the facilities has been so poor that i only learned of the existance of a Cafe there today.
The biggest drawback that comes with studying in the company of friends is that, more often than not, they pose tempting distractions for conversation. Shahid in particular loses focus very easily, and i think Dickson felt it very heavily today. Ah well, it's just for a little bit more, and i must push myself even if it saps me of my energy on a daily basis. I'm sure that concentration would be much easier if i had my bloody MP3 player.
Sue came, and we had a chat for about half an hour. We basically caught up and spoke about Graham a little. It seems that Graham Pegg is going to be leaving CQU and taking his hurricane like presence along with him. The staff at the uni, small as their campus may be will feel his loss quite significantly because he also leaves with his geyser of ideas and innovations which often keeps everyone on their toes.
In studying, i have found that one of the most important factors that contribute to success would have to be nutrition. If you don't feed your body well, your mind will not serve you at peak performance level. I had to eat a very early lunch today, and because i was not hungry, i chose to eat what must have been half the quantity of a normal meal. It was needless to say quite insufficient. When dinner time came, i could taste the foul hint of bile and gastric juices in the air from my stomach. I was so famished i gobbled down my plate of food in 5 minutes. I am honestly still a little hungry right now. I think i shall go get a few energy bars soon, so that i should have something to knaw at as my brain works.

2007-01-18T20:17:00.000+08:00

Alright. Exam preparations begin pretty much the day after tomorrow. I've completed two modules already, bioinformatics and oral communication. Just another 4 to go. I am armed, i've downloaded all the past years's exam papers from the blackboard. Quite a lot to do, but i'll do what i have to in order to ace these last 4 papers. Damn it if i fuck it up this final time.
My gamble with the OC presentation paid off today. I was at first extremely fearful that my presentation would be a bore to my classmates. Turns out they appreciated it very much, especially Lily, the OC lecturer, she felt that it was meaningful. I took a gamble yesterday, and changed my presentation topic from "Animal Mating Strategies" to..."The Band" I presented the Titans to my classmates, and in the end it was the Titans Spirit which came through for me. I basically gave them a brief introduction on that which has kept me away from school for since i year 1. Then i presented their achievements of 2006. And i had time to show them the sob video in order to conclude the presentation in as sentimental a way as possible. My classmates felt it, felt the achievement, felt the passion and felt so many other things that we felt through watching that video. It basically gave the presentation an edge. For the first bloody time in my polytechnic education, the Titans have reached out from the depths and have played a direct role in aiding the course of my studies. Hopefully that presentation has given me a B+. I need the boost. I must now shift my focus to the more important issues at hand...
The presentation and quiz today have left me drained mentally. I drank a can of beer to remedy that. I suppose i am renewed now, my body invigorated with the refreshing effects of a lovely can of Stella Artois.

2007-01-16T22:57:00.000+08:00

Ahh, for all that i have experienced...which may not be a great deal when placed in contrast with a person twice my age...but which i think is still considerable, i can still behave and think like a foolish little boy. My mind is not populated with clouds of doubt, so all is as it should be. What an intricate web it is that has been woven.
Jonathan has always said that "humans are creatures of habit". Indeed, i cannot fault that logical statement. Most living things are creatures of habit. The plantlets have shown good progress in terms of growth and vitality. I have observed that the best plants for transplant and acclimatization would seem to be those that are rather young and lacking a substantial amount of leaves through which transpiration would lead to excessive water loss. Furthermore, it would seem, that because of their tender age, they may be more adaptable to environmental changes as a young person is generally more adaptable to changes than an old person who has developed deep rooted habits and routine.
Sue Ferguson is coming to Singapore. She was one of the people who treated me so well while i was working in Australia. I do look forward to meeting her again. Although i do not know if i should go out of my way to do something for her. I shall have much to ask her, and i certainly hope she remembers me. I think she should remember having to open the door to the lab everyday so that i could get in and start work.
I read a few days ago, greg's blog entry about a stressful day and how an accumulation of several factors was leaving him down in the dumps. Not lowest in the list was the suit his father...my uncle is currently facing. I wish it would be appropriate for me to ask for more information about everything and how everyone is holding up.

2007-01-14T21:59:00.000+08:00

The rain has kept me in the house all day. It feels weird having work to do yet not lifting a finger to complete it. I've all but given up on completing a proper essay for greg poi. Stupid topic i chose...brownfields...should have known better. And then there is Jinkai's bloody report thingy. Funny how the worst assignments come from the same module. I've been listening to Vangelis. I did not know, till i borrowed the CD from the library, that his compositions were all electronic. It creates quite an amazing effect honestly.
I've got my roses plantlets growing, i transplanted them on friday night, and its sunday and they look to be doing alright. No wilted leaves due to excessive transpiration yet. I guess i have to be grateful for this awful weather, because the moisture in the air has been of help to the acclimatization process. The coming week will be the most telling for the wee ones. I do think however, that this more organic soil which supposedly contains fungicide will greatly aid the process. Already shoots are growing... I quite appreciate the recent changes kenrick has been introducing to the band. The new timings, the more regimented approach during certain times, the addition of physical exercise. A healthier band will obviously have a healthier i suppose. I very much look forward to journeying with them into new territory. To be specific...the SYF indoor. This year will be most eventful...there will be many milestones. Entering the army, finishing polytechnic, syf indoor, turning 20. Who knows what else lies ahead...

2007-01-11T21:59:00.000+08:00

This evening, i boarded bus 222 for the journey back home and was indescribably delighted to chance upon Joanna and her beau. A very pleasent surprise it was, because before i had boarded the bus, i was just thinking about her and how i had bumped into her more than once in that area on the way home. It left a smile on my face as i walked the 50 metres home from the bus stop...only to have to return home and enter into an argument with my mother about the way she questioned me about certain things. I'd brought home some nice fish from Janice and a bag of soil for my roses and she immediately asked me if i bought the fish and the rose plants. I was quite offended because i interpreted it as offensive. I thought she was implying that i was spending money needlessly. I need these things for recreation, i have this urge to nurture and grow things with tender loving care so to speak. I told her as much, well without explaining the urge of course, and she told me i was having too much recreation. GOD DAMN IT~! She dares to say such a thing. I require a balance for the amount of god damned study stress i endure. She accuses me of being hard and of asking questions in an unkind and insensitive manner when she does not realise that that part of my nature was either nurtured through being her son or inherited genetically! It left me fuming as i pondered the irony of it all.

Chen Pei has disappointed us again... well i could see it coming very early on. Once again, she decided not to meet up with Farzana and I for dinner. It was such a disappointment as i really did look forward to it. Of course i made the best of it, by purchasing the soil and spending the time in the library studying for the cell culture test tomorrow.

I was just thinking about the female vampire characters in Dracula as i walked to the bus stop at bedok, when a minah walked across me. I immediately saw the similarities between the two...voluptuous and wanton. I'd say that voluptuous minahs embody the character of a female vampire.

2007-01-07T21:35:00.000+08:00

I've stopped working on the dumbells. Reason: Pointless. I should focus on doing push-ups instead. Assuming this works, i'll get silver for NAPFA and i'll have kenrick to thank. Last day of the the first holiday of last year and the first holiday of this year...I didn't quite get a holiday last year you know, was on attachment and all. I've sort of studied for a third of the day, trying to keep things going so that i won't straggle behind when school starts tomorrow. Have a presentation to do as well. Not looking forward to that, i basically really dislike talking to groups of people, big or small. In spite of that, i still get forced to do things like emceeing the ROD for band or doing an intro during their sec 1 cca choosing days. Which is why i was fairly upset when farzana came and made fun of my "erms" and "uhs" on stage. Very frankly...if there's an alternative to use other than me...please use him or her. As it is, i'm not quite happy with my public speaking ability so piss me off about it and i won't do it again. And i have a presentation tomorrow. Balls. I think i will have to get used to ths speaking to people thing, because much as i would like to have nothing to do with it, it's not my decision to make, and i will inevitably have to face more of this in University or wherever.

2007-01-02T22:31:00.000+08:00

oh crud...
i just took a look at the NAPFA award scheme. I think i am going to fail the standing broad jump and pull-up requirements. How the hell do i jump further??!! should i jump 20 times a day till the day of the test!? And the pull-ups...its not legal unless your arms are totally straight during the recovery period. BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD. I think i am gonna work out everyday for the next two months just to pass this shit. I really don't need the extra two months in the army.
THE EXAM DATES ARE OUT! what a bloody long three months this is gonna fuckin' be.
Running three times a week now...i think i have no choice...Yeah right...like i am capable of doing that...
Crud...

2007-01-01T03:07:00.000+08:00

And so a new year begins. A year of revolution and change, well personally at least. I complete polytechnic life this year, i join the army this year, and i begin the transition from my teenage years to my adulthood this year. Hmm, i went to celebrate the new year with my family this time round. The last three years or so were spent with friends, this year, i thought i'd go back to my routine and spend it with people who really new how to usher in the new year. Of course, before i went to my aunt's/grandmother's place, i met Felix and Norman at the NTUC at Siglap, imagine my amazement to find that they were celebrating the new year at Janice's. Could at least have told me right... ah well. After that i began to doubt my decision to spend new year's eve with family. There is a certain thrill and fun that comes with organizing your own party with friends, you actually have a stake in the amount of fun you might have. But celebrating with friends in the past three years has shown me that i simply do not experience the same kind of warmth i experience when i celebrate with my family. There are traditions like, Michael's cocktail shots, hugging each other as we wish one another a "happy new year" and singing auld lang syne with our arms crossed and locked forming a circle, as we move in and out crushing one another at the same time. Celebrating with friends, well kinda cold at times, most of the evenings turn out to be quite fine, but we don't sing auld lang syne or hug, which i sometimes think we should. I guess it takes a very mature or well developed friendship for that to take place, perhaps a more open minded one. Well, next year i'll wait and see what happens, perhaps i shall decide to celebrate with my friends. I ushered in the first few hours of the new year watching "Mind Your Language" on DVD while mopping my aunt's floor. At the same time however, i made thirty dollars, thanks to my good conscientious behaviour. Not so bad huh? I welcome the new year making some money to invest in my hobby or my stomach... I drank a lot this new year's eve though, a shit load, and although i remain sober and only slightly tipsy, i feel guilty about what the amount of alcohol i have consumed might do to my liver. Not to mention the amount of meat i consumed for dinner. I'd say that by the time i hit thirty, i'm gonna be a prime candidate for Gout...the "rich man's disease".

2006-12-28T22:54:00.000+08:00

I had FUN today. FUN. It helps when the company is good, especially when you've known them since secondary school, and have watched them grow from awkward young tweens into mature young adults, with very distinct personalities and styles too. I went ice skating with 4 other prefect friends from LONG LONG ago. Joanna, Seng Kiat, Diane, Wilberg. Then we met Qimin for dinner at swensens. It was so awfully nice to see them again. It is so odd how we're from two different levels and yet we've got this strong bond. The other batches don't have the privilege of a relationship like this. This bond evolved through...hmm... what how did it start. Lets see, i was close to Joanna and Qimin through band and common duty areas which i managed to rig... Through them i got close to Diane and Carolyn. Then besides that, the whole bunch of us used to stay back after school together, eat take-out food from the coffee shops at block 55, talk crap, share problems, bitch about people...especially my sister. It was basically quality time spent together talking about all things under the sun. Today we bitched about my sister again! Some things don't ever change.
So much for studying this week though, fat load of studying i've completed in the last few days... But..its the festive season, i'm allowed the indulgence, i don't normally go out and have fun with friends honestly. Surely i am allowed to pamper myself a little now and then.
Speaking of pampering myself...i have had chocolate cake for breakfast everyday for the last 6 days. I should punish myself....and totally fast for a whole week.

2006-12-27T21:41:00.000+08:00

Christmas has come, christmas has gone. So i'm back to work, plugging away slowly at the reports i have to submit in two weeks time. This is harder than i'd expected, especially since neither Miko nor Johanan has come online. God damn it, everything is going to be left till the last week. Not something i am comfortable with, especially given Jinkai's god awful report. Where do i find the bloody information to complete that thing. How am i supposed to design a damned 100 litre bioprocess just to produce god damned proteins? I suppose i could start printing tutorials to prepare for the coming tests...yeah...that would be a wise course of action. One must not forget that in spite of the holiday mood, hell looms just around the corner. Which means off i go to print my tutorials for genomic technique just for a start.
I just saw Sulastrie's msn nickname. I wish this year could replay. or smth along those lines. Yeah, it's been a very memorable year, more so than most others. I went to Australia, i did this i did that, i completed my final year project, band has been pocketing trophies like nobody else matters. I've come to terms with my classmates, come to appreciate their ways as well. That's jsut some of it. While i don't quite desire a replay of the year 2006. I'd like very much to keep all the scenes i have been witness to or part of, inside a box and store somewhere dark and quiet, so that one day, i may open it up and slowly flip through the scenes one by one in nostalgia.

I'm trying to maintain my weight, it is not easy, especially when i keep craving for food to eat. Anything sweet or salty. I just need to put stuff in my mouth and i don't quite know why.

2006-12-19T23:20:00.000+08:00

Ticks. I don't like ticks one bit. Sally had ticks, i discovered them while she was sitting next to me on the sofa watching tv. I run my hand down her back and a find a strange lump, so i brush her fur aside and i see this olive green round tumour like thing with red legs, and i quickly push her off the sofa. Ticks are ugly. I grabbed the forceps i stole from the lab and stuck them in a bottle of 70% ethanol then i started to remove the ticks one by one. I don't know how many she had, but needless to say, i get slightly uncomfortable when she's on my bed, i really don't need a tick infestation. My CLS dinner and dance is over. That marks a milestone in my polytechnic journey. I'm mostly glad its ending. The class BBQ is soon, we don't have to cancel it because we can always stay sheltered from the rain in my front porch. Dickson told me to get chicken and sauce for marinating it. That kinda means i have to marinate it. I didn't want to do anything for this BBQ, but i couldn't say no then could i. If i make a big fuss over it, it would spoil the mood of everyone, i'm good at spoiling moods, its a talent. It is my bloody house after all, my mood would definitely influence everyone, it's not like i can just walk off and go home if i'm starting to hate things.
At this point, i am tempted to launch into an rant on the various unhappy things i can infer from not being told that there's band tomorrow, even though i'm online and there are other band geeks online as well. But why would i wanna do that, it is not as if they owe me the small courtesy of letting me know about it. I mean, i didn't even bother to say open a window with them and spit out a few pleasentries. Perhaps ask them about their trip to the land of a thousand smiles... I mean if i had done that, then i wouldn't have to ask of be told. The subject would just pop up. So it must be my fault because i hate people so. You can't expect anything to happen if you don't go socialise a little. I feel like walking in this incessant rain. It's good that i went offline, that way i don't have to say anything to make anyone feel upset. It's simpler that way.
I watched Joyeux Noel on VCD. I liked it very much. It's the kinda movie that shows that in spite of how much people really suck. Wonderful things still do happen. It really captured the true spirit of christmas through a very powerful story.
My brother did well for his N levels apparently... I guess i'm gonna lay off his case for a bit. Cut him some slack. Maybe he will turn out to be a normal person and not a freaky dude who talks on the phone for 4 hours a day or something.

2006-12-13T22:25:00.000+08:00

Graduation party was today, there's 5 weeks of school left, christmas is coming and the world is a much happier place to dwell upon. So i finally tied up the last end of my FYP by having dinner with Cyril Chua and my sister group. His treat, we ate at billy bombers, and we honestly enjoyed it, i liked the music. We all found out that he was scared of me. As in afraid because he had no idea how to deal with a person like me, and i did speak to the NTU people with a bravery that even he didn't have. HAW~! Ok...i don't really blame you for being unable to handle me, heaven knows i gave you a piece of my mind more than once. Underneathe all that however..i am insecure. But any-dang-ways... I'm really quite human again.
Since i joined SP till now, i don't think that i have changed one bit, maybe in subtle ways i have, but most of it is the same. My classmates think i am different now...truth is..it's their perspective that has changed.
Band kids left for Thailand today, i didn't get a chance to say good bye...or take care or anything like that. I suppose i had a good excuse... but....i could have smsed. It was really rather cold and rude of me not to even send them a simple "bon voyage mes amis" The last thing i said to Felix was a message which pretty much implied that he was a rude mother fucker for the tone of his earlier message.
Went to Kbox with my classmates...i spent 5 hours there listening to them sing Chinese songs which all sounded bloody same to me. Dickson just reaffirmed my conviction by informing me that they all had the same chords!!! How does the chinese music industry survive!

2006-12-01T22:56:00.000+08:00

I just realised something very strange... sad... and strange. My parents, they do not seem to realise that my siblings and i, for reasons unknown, seem to have some very odd insecurities about ourselves. We are seriously unbalanced in the self-esteem department. My sister is very insecure, i know that for a fact, i have no helped the matter much given our history. My brother is constanty put down by me, he doesn't have a very wide social circle, he's got his own set of quirky ways. He's all about computer games and stuff. I...well...i'm crazy. Sometimes i'm bitter, and i hate everyone, and sometime's i just hate myself. But i think it all stems from some self esteem issue we have in common. I don't quite understand it. Which part of my upbringing or my childhood is the cause of this? I know that of the consequences of it is our poor ability to express ourselves emotionally. We can get quite volatile and rather dramatic. Oh, and my mother says the same thing over and over and over again everytime she scolds us about being rude. It's tiresome. I think i shall end up that way one day. That depresses me a little.
My little roses do not look like they are thriving. They looked quite dead today, so i spent a bit of time removing some wilted leaves with a pair of forceps and a pair of scissors. I noticed that there were young leaves, hopefully those are adapted to the "dry" ex vitro environment. The smallest plantlet is not really growing at all. But its wilted the least, its leaves remain succulent.

2006-11-28T21:29:00.000+08:00

A quick look at my academic calendar and semestral quiz schedule revealed that i only have another 4 and a half weeks of school proper left before i graduate. This is excluding a three week "assignment-break", 1 study week and 2 exam weeks. The end is within touching distance. This is where it becomes kinda scary. Yet another major change to deal with in the not so distant future. The end of the month is here, and so we enter the festive season. A brief mental review of the happenings within the past month has startled. It has been rather like whirlwind. Time has been measured in terms of when the report is due and when the presentation is supposed to be rather than in terms of weeks and months. I've had nasty mood swings all month long, even forced attempts at controlling myself have resulted in very little at all. The fact that i have not made a direct attempt at hurting your feelings would mean that i am actually controlling my urge to insult you for no good reason at all. At least i have been getting normal sleeping hours for a change. A long time back, i wondered how i was going to settle into SP, i didn't quite get my coursemates. Didn't quite like them. Now, i've found my own little spot in the big picture of things. I've finally settled. It took 5 semesters to accomplish this. I don't suppose any aspect of my life will ever be balanced. Perhaps they already are though... you can't have everything go smoothly at once, that wouldn't be balanced, so i guess if bad things and good things happen simultaneously, it's a sign of balance.

2006-11-25T22:36:00.000+08:00

I found out this morning that the rose plantlets died. It really depressed me a little. I was hoping so hard that they would survive and i would be able to bring them home, have my very own miniature rose plant. I guess i can't expect returns without putting in extra effort. I mean, i did not take time to monitor their progress. I am tempted to skip the springfield performance tomorrow. My cousin's husband and their daughter are getting baptized tomorrow, and that means i will be spending lots of time outside of the house. Not such a good idea especially when two tests loom ahead in the coming week. Maybe i should kill myself by over-drinking alcohol tonight, so i won't have to make decisions for tomorrow. It's just another two months of school...excluding the 3 weeks break. I hope we can have a soccer gang chalet after poly is done. I'd enjoy that very much. Keeping things small and simple. Big gatherings like a sec4 express gathering would just be too hard to host or organise. I received a letter from SPF today...as in the Singapore Police Force. Anything abbreviated with spf doesn't go down well with me. So i just opened it up and divided its contents as evenly as possible amongst the gerbils. Then i saw this maple story hard paper thingy...some advertisement for the game belonging to my brother i think, and i fed it to the nibbly rascals as well. They should make short work of those undesirable things. My brother's broken up with his girlfriend. I wonder how long they were together before it ended. A very brief period i'm sure. While he is old enough, i'd hardly say that he has the mental maturity to go into a proper relationship. soo...hah~ now i wonder what my sister is up to in that department... She pissed the shit out of me today, using the computer to watch fucking smallville while she was supposed to be arranging all her accumulated JC documents and stuff. GOD DAMN YOU~! i've work to do bitch. She got on my mother's nerves this evening. My mother can't seem to understand why my sister's prom means so much to her. Mother said it's as if my sister was going for a pageant...miss universe to be more specfic, to that, my father replied "to her it is" That one night of glamour, a chance to show off that flashy side of you that others normally miss out on simply because everyday you are garbed in that dull and dreary uniform. Well everything seems so random tonight. Mixing and aeration in a bioreactor help to distribute bubbles and immiscible liquids, suspend microorganisms, and enhance heat and mass transfer.

2006-11-20T20:41:00.000+08:00

He's done it again he has...God damned fool. Why do i always seem to be facing these things alone!? some things you have to fight on your own they say...this must be on of them. You misled us for 6 months you mother fucker! I can't believe that after all this time, after i've completed my report, after i've done the project, i learn that the original project title was so different from objectives we were working towards! Sure you can twist it any which way you want, but it doesn't change the fact that if i had known, i'd have taken a different approach, chosen different tactics. You constrained our movements with your stupidity and because of that, i am going to get my ass kicked during the presentation. BURN IN HELL!!! BURN DAMN IT!! BURN!!! So much for bloody guidance Cyril Chua, you've bloody misguided us! When both your groups suddenly realise that their project titles are different from what they thought they were working on, i would hardly consider it coincidence. I hope you realise that you've fucked it up this time. When we came to you with the problem of our inability to isolate actinomycetes...The very least you could have done was to point us to the alternatives, turn us towards the right path. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NO you couldn't, you just left us to grope around blindly in deep water. It's just like our second sampling run, groping about in the murky waters of P. Hantu, hoping with all my heart that i would find a suitable sponge. Glancing up, my heart would fill up with trepidation and uncertainty as i watched the tide quickly rush in. That one sampling run captured the whole of this project in one image.
Well. I don't suppose anyone knows what it feels like, to be facing medocrity day in day out. It's like this open wound that never clots. For a person of my pride, it is like a wound that festers. Last week i received the results for my plant biotechnology test. 18/30. I was utterly crestfallen. I felt inadequate. I should be challenging them for top places this semester. Not languishing in obscurity. Few things have gone right...i'm gonna keep trying though. Not much else i can do. Cyril Chua...once my grade for this is out, i will do everything i can to get you in heaps of trouble. BIG ELEPHANT PILES OF SHIT SIZED HEAPS!

On an entirely separate note: Do NOT use what you know so little about.

2006-11-16T22:49:00.000+08:00

Microsoft is fucking around with me. The report is due tomorrow and i can't access hotmail. I find my mobility severely compromised.

If this is a sign of things to come, i'd much rather have no part of it. It feel so cold, and its icy regard turns me off. Pushed me to the point where i wanted to retaliate in a vengeful and malevolent manner. Break a shin or two, just to satisfy my lust for revenge brought about by the pain of that frosty touch.

2006-11-09T21:59:00.000+08:00

If there is one thing i hate so very much, it is feeling useless, inadequate and redundant. It just annoys me so much to feel as if my presence has scant value. I can do so much more, i can contribute so much more. I don't feel comfortable being a spectator while others make a difference. My mood has been totally messed up today due to a single event. Now my face muscles are tired and weary from scowling for the better part of the day. Anyone who'd seen my face would have said that they could see a storm brewing in my eyes.
My facial expression is still a dark one now, a night cycle didn't help it much. It's not fun to watch loving couples stroll by in happiness, hand in hand with an air of such blissful peace. While i ride by with bitter unhappy thoughts running tracks across my harsh cold mind.
I can only blame myself for allowing myself to get sucked into this cycle of self-hate and depressive thoughts. All will be well once i get my sleep. Then i will have to decide if it is wise for me to go for band tomorrow, considering how i feel right now, i probably won't.

2006-11-09T01:22:00.000+08:00

In spite of the FYP report deadline that is quickly hurtling towards me at a break neck speed. I still managed to squeeze in some time for beach soccer on Wednesday. The matches were good and very fast paced, and fast paced beach soccer means panting players. Especially since we're not Brazilian and do not have that ability to stand in one spot and pass the ball around through sheer juggling ability. I basically enjoyed myself thoroughly, throwing myself spiritedly into the games, using sheer grit and some measure of skill to amuse myself. It's always nice to get the adrenalin going while your skin gets toasted by the afternoon sun. I am reddish now, to my obvious delight.

This FYP business is a hugely stressful affair. It's due next Friday, i can't swallow that fact properly, it's literally choking me and causing my eyes to bulge. I'm SCARED. I still have to work on the formatting, the Abstract, the Introduction, the Contents page, the Cover page, The References segment. HOLY SHIT MAN! I can see why this semester's E learning week assignments are relatively meager. They're being merciful, given the shit load of work that FYP reports require, i'd say that i am as busy if not busier than usual.

I've been reminded of how lovely school can actually get at night. In the hours after all classes are done and when the meager few who remain are there doing part-time diplomas or projects. The atmosphere is cool and rather dewy, there is a scent of greenery permeating the air with a freshness that awakens the mind. The lights are not too glaring and blend in magically with the shine of the moonlight onto areas unlit by lamps. No noisy students roaming about like a pack of wolves with nothing better to do but bay and howl. There is a stillness and calm in the environment which sets you at ease and allows a strange peacefulness to seep into your mind. I liked the feeling very much. It made me very unusually polite, i actually said "thank you very much" to the librarian after she had removed the safety casing from the CD's i was borrowing to pillage music from.

I introduced my new Boraras brigittae this morning... the FUCKING shrimps ASSAULTED them. Those bastard crustaceans. I saved them from a ghastly doom by not feeding them to the ravenous pearsei...and this is how they repay me. The fat female managed to actually EAT one of the week little things. So i just fed all but one of them to the cichlids. That's for eating my expensive new toys...sons and daughters of bitches...
One good point was that i finally managed to observe shrimps hunt. It's something you don't see very often in the aquarium, because they tend to be the hunted. It also taught me that such is the way of nature, it doesn't take into account rarity or novelty or any such very human concepts. Only the fittest will survive, those that don't, die or evolve.

2006-11-01T22:07:00.000+08:00

Food poisoning. I woke up at 4am on Tuesday morning clutching myself in agony as i lay in bed with sweat dripping from the sides of my head. Then i had a fever at night. In spite of all that, i still managed to find my way down to Novena to get that new 1ft cube tank i've been planning to to acquire for some time now. I actually cradled the damned thing in my arms all the way back home becaue of the peak hour traffic. The things i sometimes do for my hobby... i could endure quite nearly anything in pursuit of what i deem valuable.

Once again, i have stumbled upon a gem of a CD at the school library. Voices in Harmony. It is a compilation of songs which the album title explains quite clearly. Features stuff by the Everly Brothers, Beach Boys, and Simon and Garfunkle. Golden oldies one and all.

For the first time in my short poly life. I am actually enjoying going to school. When the company is right...time can pass pretty quickly. A mere 3 months ago, it would have been excrutiating pain. I've gotten used to my classmates now though, they're not entirely preferable to some of my other friends, but they have their merits as does everyone else.

I shall now take a brief moment to whine about my final year project. Final draft is due at the end of the week...Discussion is not done. Results consist of a table that spans 2 and a half pages. THIS IS NOT GOING WELL. I hope Shahid is feeling like a genious because, i've put in as much as i can to make the earlier bits of the report go smoothly, and i am now placing my sanity and faith in his ability to produce a good discussion.

2006-10-29T21:42:00.001+08:00

I got up feeling grumpy of Saturday, my exertions from the night before possessing a carry-over effect on me. I'm sorry if i was rude and snappish... I spent the earlier part of today doing my work, and studying for a test to come in 5 days time. It is fairly awkward for me to be starting so early on a quiz, i usually leave it to the night before. Well not this semester. If doing as much as i can to boost the GPA even slightly so that i may leave the school with some measure of pride.

The FYP report is in it its infancy...indeed it is but struggling to walk right now. I can barely get making citations correct. My literature review quite likely has huge masses of redundant information that i should read through and sift out. At the very least, i can console myself with the fact that i am putting in effort consistently.

MY grandmother turned 83 and we had the celebration at our place. With mom's side of the family it never ends late. Everyone was more or less gone by 11. I'll never get used to it being that way. I also find it difficult to have a conversation with most of my relatives on this side of the family. Few if any at all are from my generation, there is a distinct possibility that i will lose contact with them when i am much older. Not good. With regards to my grandmother, well she's very very old, and really so weak now. I saw her struggling to get seated on the sofa. I didn't know what to do or how to do anything at all in order to aid her.

Ok...so i know my sister has a boyfriend, and i'm going to find out who it is soon enough. I've my suspicions but it's all so strange to me at this moment that i wouldn't make a claim with any conviction.

2006-10-27T23:36:00.000+08:00

I am...very ashamed of my conduct. Brutish and bullish are terms that are too kind to be used on one such as i. I can only thank my friends for the patience they have showed me. I don't think i am worthy of it. I shudder to think that 2 years ago, it would have been much worse. I was volatile then, volatile and inflammable. Now i am just highly volatile.

I am worried about the way Zach is going, the implications of addressing Kenrick as Kenrick rather than Mr Poh in his absence rather than in his presence are not good at all. It suggests that he is beginning to forget about his place or status in the big picture. More importantly, it would seem that he is trying to shed away what should be a deep rooted and healthy respect for a mentor and elevate himself into a position that he is not worthy of, and even if he should become worthy of it, it would demonstrate that he has forgotten his humble beginnings.

2006-10-25T00:57:00.000+08:00

I had intended to write a long post about how i think it is a fucked up thing to skip lessons for no bloody reason at all. Couldn't bring myself to do it, because the vehemence which would have filled the post would have been directed at a friend and...i must be going soft or something. At any rate, i still think it very annoying when people skip classes, without good reason.
Went to Al Forno's which is situated along East Cost Rd this evening for dinner. I sure didn't regret it. Lately i have been more willing to spend on good food, thanks in no small part to kenrick and felix who obviously share my passion for eating good food. We then headed off to Syafiq's place. He has a nice house, its well designed and even though it is an HDB flat, it seemed plenty spacious as compared to my own house. My house is cluttered with lots of junk, i don't even know where all the stuff comes from, but, it must be one of those family quirks where we can't help but accumulate stuff in heaps all over the place. Something like how other families argue a lot or complain a lot, or are perhaps neurotic about cleanliness and other such peculiar traits. I hope my own home when i grow up won't look like a garden shed.
My sister is arguing with somebody on the phone now, she's annoying because it is distracting. Well...mostly because i wanna know all about it. She actually suspects that i have romantic affairs occuring in my life outside of home, how little she knows of me then. Fancy asking Joanna if she knew about my love life...non existent as it may be.

2006-10-16T22:39:00.000+08:00

All this talk about life science graduates being unable to find jobs in Today had me seriously concerned at first. Now it's beginning to seem less and less relevant to me. Every letter following the original article was about doing research and working in research laboratories trying to discover the cure for cancer kinda thing. I just find that all that doesn't appeal to me, well right now i don't, perhaps in 6 years time or so that opinion may be different, i don't want to be stuck in a lab all day long. The recent spate of letters and that article seem to looking at things from a very narrow point of view. It has provided sufficient view points from other branches of life science. Things are bad in the job market, becoming a lab technician seems to be a job that you get only if you're lucky. oh damn it, the only thing i know is that i want to work with nature...animals to be slightly more specific.
I've been rather grumpy since Friday, it's a little strange because i don't know the cause for it, but my temper seems to be trying to break free from the scant amount of self-control that i possess. Why just last night i threatened to break my brother's nose~ Well i never really intended to break his nose, it was just a huge heap of posturing to make a point, but my mother took it very seriously indeed. I think i am going to be really happy to go to the army, away from the family more often, too much family ain't always a good thing.
Ate at Pontini's in the Grand Copthorne. Food was really good, not a very great spread by any means, but just sufficient. Drank red, white and sparkling wine. That meal left me filled to the brim for nearly 2 hours. Bought new street soccer boots, they're silver again. It is not that i like the colour, i was just unlucky this round, i would honestly have paid 9 dollars more to buy the black pair that felix got.
Isabel Yee, the Genomic Technique teacher and youngest teacher in the faculty has been calling me Dominic...i prefer the spelling Dominique....anyhow...she's been calling me Dominique, and i have been claiming that my chinese name is Xiao Ming.

2006-10-14T00:03:00.000+08:00

I'm kind wobbly right now. A bit too much whiskey in the bloodstream. Alcohol in the bloodstream can be quite be quite a nuisance.I felt insulted by a waitress at a chinese restaurant, she wouldn't give me beer because she thought i was underaged. I know that if i get angry at a small matter like this, it would kinda imply that i am quite clearly underaged and quite clearly unable to handle intoxication and such things. But i felt insulted anyway. Tonight, i learnt something about one of my relatives. I found out that she's more well read than i am. It's good to know that i am not the only one in the family who has read classics. At least i now know that i am not entirely freaky for my propensity towards reading books written a hundred years ago or so. On a very random note, i had so much chocolate cake just now, i'm beginning to feel guilty of over consumption in spite of my slight intoxication.
The practical part of the project seems to be completed. Today's gram staining marked the conclusion of our time in the lab. No more irrate techinical supervising officers to deal with, no more bacteria to culture. About time we began placing some focus on the report. On one hand it feels excellent, to be moving on. On the other hand, i am worried about how we are going to pull this off. It's hard to have faith when you are a natural pessimist. At least my results are the opposite of everything i want. That way i don't have to deal with ambiguous data that require stressful interpretation. I can at least say that "we tried but were not entirely successful and here's the proof that we tried".
On monday, we went to Jack's Place. My first adventure in that establishment, and the first time i was eating Fillet Mignon. The ambience was satisfactory but they gave me corn and broccoli. Who eats that stuff anyway? I'm far better off way greens such as lettuce.

2006-10-06T23:34:00.000+08:00

I was utterly bummed this evening, i sat around feeling glum for a good 3 hours or so before i trotted off into the haze suffocated atmosphere to get my weekly dosage of football.
I was looking forward to dinner on friday for the better part of the week, the stress build up across the week leads to a friday which usually represents a huge release, the only time i walk out of school with a spring in my step rather that heavy footed trudging. Off i pranced, only to have a boulder land on me in the end. I don't blame her for not being able to go, just couldn't help but feel like there were a thousand sighs stuck in my chest waiting to be released.
You miss the whole point of course~. It was supposed to be a friday night out, release, good company, and plenty of smiling. Just one person not going along changes everything, it just isn't the same.
After football, we sat at the coffee shop at block 55. Routine post-soccer chill out place. Ummar was insightful enough to point out that everyone had changed in some way or another, that made such a difference outwardly that the change could be seen and felt as an improvement on themselves. All except for me of course. I have a slightly rueful play across my face right now. So true. It's something i've known for some time, and it is beginning to worry me, very slightly only of course. My development as a man..or a person for that matter has been stunted somewhere...i don't know where, but it obviously isn't going perfectly. Testimony of this happy little fact came from my classmates during our hour long incubation period this afternoon. Pauline and Miko were busy plugging away at my defences, convincing me to host a class BBQ. I tihnk they're pretty curious about me or something. For starters, i have a reputation as a very mean and quite often a selfish person as well. Then it just clashes with all probability that a person possessing such a distasteful personality should have any affinity at all for nature or animals, which i obviously have in spades full. OR it could just be the fact that i am the only one inhabiting private property...so ma maison has the capacity for hosting a nice number of guests. I of course said that i'd ask my parents when in actual fact, i could as easily have said yes on the spot. I'd like to observe this odd fixation with having a class outing at my place for a bit more before i finally relent. I think my classmates deserve nicer treatment from me. Gosh...my mates from the secondary school gang deserve it too, i'm just making myself look bad by going on the way i currently am.

2006-10-02T23:41:00.000+08:00

Having a blog that's public yet not so public can be such a pain. When i need an outlet to express certain things i actually have to think thrice...nay...four times just in case it might be a bad idea. Some words are just not meant for all to read.

I had got my hair cut...the i sat my ass down in the big barber's chair and placed my bag on my laps, before i know it, that huge piece of cloth is covering my body and he's snipping away at my unruly hair. I didn't even tell him how i wanted it done. Damn, i must be really predictable. The only words i said to him were... "can i have it a little bit shorter".

She's matured, grown into a woman, she really is heaps prettier now. Changed quite a fair bit over the last couple of years. I look at myself... now what is it exactly that i've become? Certainly i have not become more desirable!! hah.

I lost my camera, and i got it back. What a stroke of luck. I can't stand the fact that my father kept emphasizing how it was my casual attitude towards it that got the damned thing lost in the first place. I was stressed that day, i beat myself up the whole day after that. Lay off man. What matters is, at least i got it back.

Played football on friday and saturday. I think i may have scared the crap out of some of the band people with my ferocity on saturday. Damn it, i can't help it if i have to scream at them when i don't feel like they're focusing on the game. Football is a passion man. Friday's football was interrupted by the police...who wanted us to play actually. But they'd received a complaint from some sore loser basketball players who wanted the court, i told the police very smugly that we'd go to the other basketball court to play. And we did that, only to find the usual characters there....secondary school mats. I think all mats should just die.... DIE... DIIIIEEE
Dajie came to play on friday, we were speculating on going overnight fishing some time soon. And then a holiday to some place like tioman around the end of the year. I don't know how likely it is that any of these plans will come into action, but i can remain hopeful can't I?

2006-09-24T10:12:00.000+08:00

End of the holidays. My final semester begins in slightly over 24 hours time. I resolve to dig in and devote all my faculties to pushing my cumulative GPA to 3. I know it probably will not succeed but i sure as hell am gonna try.
My brother and sister have significant others. One is taking his N levels, the other her A levels. Yet, none finds the need to fully prioritise it seems. Well, they don't know that i know that they have special friends... I shall keep it that way and use it against them in the appropriate time. Felix has awful timing....it is most annoying for him to blab about my supposed chinese woman in front of my sister, especially when it's all nonsense and they are prone to getting the wrong idea about it. Won't be the first time he's done something similar.
Damned licorice gouramis are so shy. I've not seen them eat or swim around curiously. I don't even know if they're alive sometimes. I suppose a certain level of patience is necessary, so i should just keep putting in live tubifex and hope that they're chomping down on the slimy buggers while my back is turned. Thinking about them reminds me that i have to go get more ketapang leaves to tinker with the pH. This shall not be a source of stress, if they die so be it, i will just go get some other gouramis or B. simorum.
I was forced through undesirable circumstances to go help huifang with her homework on my own. The little sneak brought Mandy and some other girl along. That really wasn't part of the bargain, and it really irritated me. Damn it but i'm quite sure i don't wish to help her anymore.

Sameer said something on Friday night after a rigorous two hours of soccer. "Ben finally admits that he's a loser" That is roughly what he said. Good heavens man, how well do you know me, honestly? Clearly your perceptions of my person are stuck in muddy impressions formed 4 years ago. I've finally put my finger on why i really can't stand going out with you people. Your opinions of me are so firmly set in stone that i feel like injustice is being done against me. You people...i have known since 2000...that's 6 years already, and yet..you don't even properly understand a fraction of my personality. I give a cryptic answer to a question that allows you to interpret it as you wish and you say i always give a story instead of properly answering the question. Frankly, all i said was 4 words. 4 words are quite insufficient to be deemed a story i tihnk. I'm tired of this. The next time i meet you people, i'm just gonna shut the fuck up and leave you to your own machinations. This way, you won't annoy the shit out of me, and i won't confuse you. Don't you just love simple solutions?

Cyril Chua...you are coming back today right?! WELCOME TO HELL!!!!!!!

2006-09-12T23:56:00.000+08:00

I had to wake up at 530am today to reach dover by 7. Getting up that early is never an easy feat, especially when you find yourself jolting awake at 2am heart pounding with fear at the prospect that you might have overslept. The professor was at West Coast Pier, this time we had experienced help in our quest for furry sponge-associated bacteria. So we brought back these thick wedges of sponge abundant with brittle stars in every nook and cranny with the hope that they might yield our elusive furry bacteria..otherwise known as actinomycetes. Cyril Chua...you shall forever be my target of fury. Should this project succeed...i would not credit you with anything except for helping us find this NTU professor dude. Your advice is worthless and your experience is non-existant. Fancy being the first ever group in Singapore to attempt such a ridiculously ambitious endeavour.
So we brought the stuff back and worked the day through till 530. By 2pm i was edgy, my nerves were stretched taut and i was trembling with stress. Damn the stupid media we had to use, mixing your own media is tedious and takes a huge toll on your focus. Shahid and i have reached a consensus about this. If this last attempt should fail, NO MORE, we're done with it, we'll wrap it up and present whatever there is to present. DAMN YOU CYRIL CHUA. Oh and damn my buddy group for being stupid and ignorant and entirely undeserving of the success they have attained in isolating furry bacteria from their soil samples. FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If it hadn't been for me, you would never have found that great book which has brought you thus far. I do the research and they benefit from it...
If it hadn't been for Shahid, you would've fucked up your antibiotic concentrations.
If it hadn't been for that trip to Pulau Hantu with us, you would never have gotten furry bacteria because your previous samples were topsoil! Well you can blame Cyril's stupidity for that. So much for providing guidance.
I grope and i feel my around the dark room searching for the light switch. Alas, it is not to be found for my guide has told me to search the floor for the switch while it hangs from the wall, 5 feet above the floor.
There's band tomorrow, i'm glad this is the last week before the year-end break. I need the breather, too much band gets you thoroughly jaded.
Results are due tomorrow, i hope i get Bs.